So what was that? A couple of months since my last blog? A dabble with the diet side. I’m not several stone lighter, and I found myself getting twitchy, irritable, and stressed and upset. I thought I was ok. I thought I was doing well and enjoying it, but when I released myself for a few days I realised I’d been missing peace and a calm. I wasn’t happy before I re tried SW, but I certainly wasn’t happier while I was doing it.
I became the numbers on the scales. A gain upset me, a loss thrilled me, so long as it was a substantial loss.
Diets do work for people. There are many who’ve lost weight, maintained it, and enjoy the thrill it gives them, being lighter. But there are many, many more who use food for far more than fuel. We are the disordered eaters. No matter how much good meaning friends tell us “just eat less, or healthily, or exercise” we can’t slot into that “simple” routine.
And we can’t expect our friends to understand our journey, our reasons for overeating. We can’t convey in a way that makes sense that eating that whole pizza isn’t a pure greed thing, that actually it numbs sensations we’d rather not deal with. That when we’re lonely, we cope by eating a large tub of ice cream, because we learnt from an early age that food is comfort, that food is love.
We can’t explain that our spending time planning a binge, what food we will eat, where, and when, distracts us from the lack of wholeness we feel as individuals.
The world is full of dieters, of people congratulating each other on their losses, their slimness. Where are the people congratulating each other on being wonderfully individuals, purely because it’s what we need to hear?
It’s easy to fall into the “happiness trap”, to think when I’m thinner, life will be much better, that everything that is wrong now, while I’m not at the size I want to be, will suddenly turn around and be right.
For me the truth is, that I wasn’t happy slim. If I had been, the disordered eating would have faded into the background. I wouldn’t need to use food the way I’ve felt the need to all my life. But the disordered eating continued because I didn’t believe in my intuition. I’d lost faith in myself, my body’s cues of care and nurture. I used food in a reaction to all sensations, confusing physical hunger and emotional hunger on a everso regular basis.
So I’m back to intuitive eating, but I’m now looking at it in a fae, far more holistic way. I’m looking far deeper than I have before, and I’m having faith in myself to allow emotions to flow, to actually get a sense of what I’ve been running away and protecting myself through my size.
I tried to avoid the naval gazing over the last few years, thinking, if I just follow the simple principles of intuitive eating I will see results. But now I realise the very avoidance of the naval gazing, is the very reason nothing has had the effect I would love. Running away from myself isn’t going to help me gain understanding, the problems will remain! Time to embrace me and all my tawdry quirks!