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All posts for the month June, 2011

FAT

Published June 16, 2011 by Crystal

My fat is serving a purpose. I would read this belief in various books and never quite grasp it. How can my fat be possibly serving a purpose? I am full of self loathing, I am uncomfortable, clothes don’t fit, I don’t feel I fit in. What the hell is it doing for me?
Yet now, here I am, several years on in my life and weight experience journey, and I understand. There has been a radical change in my life lately. I have passed through a door and closed it behind me. And while this change was necessary for me to gain some freedom and control in my life, it has also served to bring out my rebellious nature to its very fullest. I am realising to a far fuller extent than ever before that yes, my fat was serving a purpose. It is a protective suit around me, it shields and cushions me from hurt. When I felt unloved, and disrespected, unappreciated, food was the comforter and fat was the armour. Food was the friend that I needed. When I wanted to be heard but wasn’t, when I wanted to be acknowledged but went unnoticed, food was the friend that didn’t let me down, and fat gave me added physical space and size and stature to be noticed. A big “I’m here” sign because I was and am a big person.
But now I’m moving through to a stage where I don’t need the FAT to protect me anymore. As I learn about myself, and about who I genuinely am, gradually the FAT loses it’s protective qualities. It doesn’t serve the same purposes it once did when I was too young to ask for help from people who might actually have helped me. Food doesn’t have the same nurturing, soothing qualities it once did. As I grow older I am finding other ways to self soothe and self comfort. Not in the last few weeks though. In the last few weeks I feel I have regressed back to those uncomfortable, and very sad, years of childhood and adolescence.
Children learn from the people around them. From the moment we’re born we learn that if we cry we may be fed, and when nothing replaces that, when every time we are sad or agitated we are given food to eat, there is no learning experience other than food is a comforter.
I was given mixed messages as a child. Comforted with food, but told i was over weight. I hope now, as I continue to grow into myself I can be the nurturer that I needed as a child, that I can find the soother within, and through the nurture of the Goddess within and without me I can become a whole person, complete in myself, not needing outside approval or recommendation.
As someone told me today, step out of the shadows……and be one hell of a Phenomenal Woman.

Familiarity and Comfort

Published June 7, 2011 by Crystal

I have always been drawn to loud people. People who are the centre of attention, and who like to be centre of attention. I have always thought I like to be in the party but not at the middle of it. Maybe from being bullied at an early age and never being part of the cool kids at school I felt that somehow I would be validated if I was at least part of the group. It feels familiar, to be part of the party, but not in the middle of it. It feels familiar to be with people who are used to being the life and soul of the party, But I realised today that familiarity is not the same as comfort. While I am used to these people, I realise that I am not at my most relaxed around these people, and I find it strange that it has taken so long to see this. I don’t even need the big social gatherings, just a few people I can be on equal footing with, who don’t see me as damaged goods, or with a mental illness.
I decided to go to Glastonbury by myself this year. It wasn’t the initial decision, but following a discussion I realised that my initial option was closed to me. I want to go as me, and at the moment I’m only really learning who “me” is. I want to go, where noone has preconceptions of me, where noone is looking back at events and conversations and using them against me, however unconsciously. So I booked my train ticket, I bought myself a tent, and I found out where other solo travellers would be heading.
I know this is a brave move for me, but it’s stepping out of my “familiarity zone” rather than my “comfort zone”, because actually it’s the sort of thing I would have done 10 years ago and found joy in. Somewhere in the last 10 years though I feel I’ve lost almost all sense of me that I ever had. I’ve allowed the bold characters and situations to engulf me, I’ve allowed family to dictate how I should be and act. I have been so used to the familiarity of family and friends, but only with Rob and the boys, and a few long time friends have I trully had comfort, only in those moments with those few do I feel I am actually more me and less what other people expect.
So here’s a bold move. Stepping back from the familiar, and moving into the comfortable.
Don’t confuse the two.

No No They Can’t Take That Away From Me

Published June 3, 2011 by Crystal

 

 

 

 

 

A 13 moon initiation course started this month;

http://makingherstory.ning.com/group/goddessinitiationa13mooncourse?xg_source=msg_wel_group

I have started this before, but life took over, as oft it does, and I didn’t complete.  I feel I’m in a new place now.  A very different place.  I am moving to a place of understanding myself as I never have before, and I feel alot more open than I have been.  There is more vulnerability, but there is also more acceptance.  The acceptance that the person I am is hidden behind many layers, and gradually I am removing those layers and opening myself up to freedom.  It is not without risk, pain and loneliness.  I think any transformation has to hurt.  We are creatures of habit, we hold on to that which is familiar, but that which is familiar is not always good for us.

I noticed a funny thing happen this week.  I began to like my double chin, or atleast, accept it.  For as long as I care to remember I have looked in the mirror and despised my chin, the lack of sculpting.  But this week, I looked and appreciated the shape and softness and curves.  Maybe I’m actually coming to a point where embracing myself as I am now will enable me to live in more freedom.  Maybe it really is true that when we finally love what and who we are we are in a place where change is a happy, positive event?  One thing I do know, is that fighting myself hasn’t brought me happiness.  Self degradation hasn’t led to a positive improvement in my life.

 

I’m looking forward to my Goddess Initiation, with a group of ladies who are equally keen to find their passion, sensuality and power.  I’m looking forward to becoming the Phenomenal Woman.  No longer will I shy away from myself and from life.

Join me, ladies!  Embrace the woman!  Celebrate the feminine!