FAT

Published June 16, 2011 by Crystal

My fat is serving a purpose. I would read this belief in various books and never quite grasp it. How can my fat be possibly serving a purpose? I am full of self loathing, I am uncomfortable, clothes don’t fit, I don’t feel I fit in. What the hell is it doing for me?
Yet now, here I am, several years on in my life and weight experience journey, and I understand. There has been a radical change in my life lately. I have passed through a door and closed it behind me. And while this change was necessary for me to gain some freedom and control in my life, it has also served to bring out my rebellious nature to its very fullest. I am realising to a far fuller extent than ever before that yes, my fat was serving a purpose. It is a protective suit around me, it shields and cushions me from hurt. When I felt unloved, and disrespected, unappreciated, food was the comforter and fat was the armour. Food was the friend that I needed. When I wanted to be heard but wasn’t, when I wanted to be acknowledged but went unnoticed, food was the friend that didn’t let me down, and fat gave me added physical space and size and stature to be noticed. A big “I’m here” sign because I was and am a big person.
But now I’m moving through to a stage where I don’t need the FAT to protect me anymore. As I learn about myself, and about who I genuinely am, gradually the FAT loses it’s protective qualities. It doesn’t serve the same purposes it once did when I was too young to ask for help from people who might actually have helped me. Food doesn’t have the same nurturing, soothing qualities it once did. As I grow older I am finding other ways to self soothe and self comfort. Not in the last few weeks though. In the last few weeks I feel I have regressed back to those uncomfortable, and very sad, years of childhood and adolescence.
Children learn from the people around them. From the moment we’re born we learn that if we cry we may be fed, and when nothing replaces that, when every time we are sad or agitated we are given food to eat, there is no learning experience other than food is a comforter.
I was given mixed messages as a child. Comforted with food, but told i was over weight. I hope now, as I continue to grow into myself I can be the nurturer that I needed as a child, that I can find the soother within, and through the nurture of the Goddess within and without me I can become a whole person, complete in myself, not needing outside approval or recommendation.
As someone told me today, step out of the shadows……and be one hell of a Phenomenal Woman.

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7 comments on “FAT

  • Thanks for sharing Miranda, inspiring and interesting post. Such a huge amount of discovery for you too, don’t beat yourself up though – unfortunately its learnt behaviour, as you said, from those around us in our childhood. Moving forward without the anger and hate for these people is difficult but eventually consumes far too much of our precious time. Be your own person, make choices that you know deep down you truly deserve …as one hell of a phenomenal women. Go sista! xx

    • Thanks so much nikie. :-). It’s funny how we can go over and over and over the same ground and take so long to grasp it. I’m not really beating myself up, I know I’m in a rocky place at the moment, and to shame myself is a waste of time and energy. But I also know that with more understanding I can head out into a new phase of life.

  • Yes you have to work through it no matter how long it takes and it feels like a viscious circle sometimes.
    I understand from your FB posts you have a difficult relationship in your life!?! ME too! It took me forever to admit this to myself, it was a sad realisation that this person I’d grown up loving wasn’t quite the person I want to be. Of course I’ve picked up her habits and behaviour patterns unfortunately, lots of what I do is ingrained in me. I think for me having my own family really made me wake up to this, I didn’t want to make the same mistakes, negative choices causing my own family to copycat me.
    It has really helped me to do an intro course in Counselling, something that has interested me for years and given me a focal point for self -development, without feeling guilty about wallowing in my own feelings.

    You have a wonderful family to support you through this and an amazing VW to escape in.
    I was having a crap time this time last year and buggered off for two blissful nights camping with the kids just to have some time away from the everyday crap. It was brilliant for all, my o/h had a break and I felt fab for going away on my own – really empowered. It made me realise I can stand on my own two feet when I need to.
    hugs xx

    • :-). I’m restarting the Goddess Initiation book that i started a few years ago, a lovely book, with rituals to address issues and damaging self beliefs in a positive way. I am so very lucky with My husband, kids and camper van. I think the odd night away is very nourishing for the soul.
      I hope you are finding peace as the days and months go on. All power to us! XXXXX

  • Miranda,

    You articulate this so well. You seem to be in a similar place to me, but I am still hanging on to my armour for dear life. I have come to realise in the last year or so that I am constantly afraid, and I need to tackle this fear before I can move on. Slowly but surely I am moving towards a better place and becoming stronger in myself.

    Hugs xxxx

    • I say again and again, we are onions! So many layers, so many issues. So many issues that we don’t become aware of until we deal with something before it! I too am hanging onto my armour ;-). In fact, since the ankle break I seem to have added a bit on! But nevermind. There comes points in life for many of us where our size does actually become a secondary issue, I hope I get that time. xxxx

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