I’ve felt very much at sixes and sevens the last few weeks. Up and down, round and round. Sometimes you feel like you’re waiting but you don’t know what you’re waiting for.
My concentration is quite non existent at the moment. You know what I mean, you watch a tv programme but you take none of it in. You read the same page of a book again and again then wonder what you’d read. It’s now been going on for so many months I’ve sort of got used to it. I forget things. I don’t hear conversations. The poor kids have to repeat a hundred times before I take anything in. What day is it?
Today I was reassured that my memory and concentration will return, it’s just often the last thing to come back. It’s almost like I needed to hear this to move on though. Everything will come back, my get up and go, my zest for life, my desire to do housework (maybe that’s stretching it).
I think talking to someone about it all has helped tremendously. I feel proactive now. I can put into place a process of change. It wasn’t counselling, it was a “where are you now?” type discussion. What did I think would help? We discussed anti depressants, and how they’re part of the jigsaw. They aren’t a solution, because the initial issues still have to be remedied.
Depression doesn’t have to be something we revisit in our lives. Just because we’ve had it once, twice or thrice doesn’t mean we’re to be inevitable sufferers through our lives.
And I refuse to recover this time around only to have something happen to knock me down again. This time is going to be the last time if I can bloody well help it. And I can help it. I’m making changes. I’m moving forward. If I continue to do the same things, and feel the same way, then depression is inevitable, only by making those changes is there the opportunity of a life without depression and all that goes with it.
So, new rituals, new attitude, new spirit, new life, Brave New World. We don’t have to stay in the pigeon holes that people have chosen for us.
Onwards and upwards (as I like to say in the hope that it will one day be true).