Now I’m sure, in a few months, I will love jean shopping. Actually, swipe that, I won’t. I know I won’t. Because no matter what size I am I still get horrendously depressed trying clothes. But maybe slightly less at a lower weight.
But I hate my shape. I’m a trunk. No sexy curves, no waist, cleavage and **** are ok, but nothing to write to Jugs about. And because I have no waist trying jeans on is the least fun you can have that involves getting partly undressed! I avoid some shops because I just know the cut will be all wrong. But other shops I would hope would be more sensitive to my boyish frame! But what really upsets is when I try on a size I think I am, only to find I can’t do it up, or it squishes in all the wrong places and there are lumps and bumps where there should be no lumps and bumps. I was half tempted to give in and get more leggings, but I wanted jeans. Even if they were to fit for only a couple of months, I want to feel like I look acceptable and ok throughout winter! So after spending a substantial amount of time in changing rooms and being close to tears, I left the designer outlet I had high hopes of, and went off to my local supermarket. Frustrated, upset, angry at myself, angry at the shops, and plain old disheartened. I started to wonder how I’ve managed to let myself get to this point. I’ve got so many clothes that I love, in sizes too small to fit my left leg in, let alone fit into. I started to wonder if I will ever ever be happy and content with myself, with my size.
Shopping is obviously a hideous trigger for me. I quickly move away from self acceptance (and by that I don’t mean being happy with my size and shape, I simply mean being more loving and caring of my body and mind) to self loathing (where I pour insults and abuse onto myself in a way I wouldn’t dream about doing to my worst enemy). I magnify all my faults and flaws to the size of the moon. I even texted my husband and called myself a lard arse . Why would I say this of myself, when my body has been doing what it can to look after me and protect me over the years? It’s not the way it is because I simply thought I’d eat too much and not exercise enough. It’s the way it is because I’ve used food to soothe and comfort. It’s the way it is because I’ve used my fat as a great big old suit of armour, to protect myself from the horrid things I didn’t know how to deal with. But I’m in a different place now. I’m in a place of awareness and learning, and the habits I had are being changed. Now when I want to self soothe or comfort, I might just head to bed or bath with a good book. Now I appreciate the way my body feels after exercise.
But there will still be days like this, where I turn on myself, where when I need kindness above all else, I choose to assault myself and my body and temporarily believe the lies I tell myself.
I did find some jeans. Good old Sainsbury’s saved the day! And it was the first pear I tried on in there. If only I’d headed there first! But then, if I had, I wouldn’t be writing this and realising how far I’ve come!
It’s Friday evening. Not only that, but it’s Friday 9th December. The second Friday of the official party season! The time of year where secretaries are drunkenly snogging their boss secretly in the closet. The time of year where drink o’clock starts at noon, and is all but obligatory.
So what party am I preparing, preening and primping myself for? What Christmas event am I about to set out the door for?
And I am perfectly content with that. I am actually home with my youngest little man who has the sniffles. My older two are at a pantomime with gran, and my husband, well he is out at a works do, where I sincerely hope he won’t be having a secret snog 😉
For almost as long as I can remember, up until about 2 weeks ago, I’ve had a bottle of wine on a Friday night, and a Saturday, maybe a Sunday……and some other day of the week. I’ve drunk with friends, I’ve drunk without. I’ve drunk with people who I realise now were pretty much friends purely because of our drinking capabilities and not much else, and over time, when you realise there are shallow relationships, that in itself brings a sadness that can lead you to drink more or faster, and simply in the worst possible state of mind.
But a couple of weeks ago, I decided I wanted a break, and so did my liver and my bank balance. And it has been a pretty smooth transition. In the last 3 weeks I have had one bottle of wine and half a guinness. And I feel so much better for it! I wake up clear headed, I don’t wake in the middle of the night panicking over some teeny little problem I can’t possibly deal with at 3am. I’m not having to groan or apologise over things I’ve said or done, and my whole world is full of clarity!
Drinking can be fun. It can be relaxing, social, healthy to a degree! But it can also mask a host of problems, and when we use it to mask things, we can never see the full picture. And I’m liking seeing the whole picture.
Of course, I can’t stay pious forever. I’m late night shopping on Thursday and I intend to have a glass or two to celebrate successful shopping. And with family and friends to socialise with over the following weekend, I don’t doubt a glass or two will be downed!
But for now, for this quiet Friday, I’m enjoying having broken that wine drinking habit. Now to put the kettle on and enjoy a nice herbal tea!
It’s December 1st! Officially Christmas Month. Officially the time to start opening those little windows? Did you get a chocolate one? I haven’t got one. I thought about getting a nice traditional picture one, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Maybe tomorrow.
It’s the start of the silly party season. All those finger foods, nuts, tins of chocolates. And mulled wine, mulled ale, Baileys! Need I go on? Need I list all the temptations people come to face at this time of years? But for me, this year at least, I can take or leave it all! Having become (a slightly slacking on occasion) vegan, the appeal of a large chunk of those goodies is removed. I’m not missing chocolate, and the alcohol I’m cutting down on. Nuts, well I like them, but in a salad, or a roast, not really on their own. I’ve never been a big fan of the cake or pudding, and mince pies, I just shudder at the thought, unless they’re smothered in cream, which I now don’t eat! Ha! How smug do I sound?
BUT. I’m still looking forward to Christmas dinner. Roast potatos, parsnips, sprouts and chestnuts in a marsala reduction. Stuffing. Bread sauce……..can you make a nice tasting vegan bread sauce?
I love food, don’t be fooled! I just don’t want to use December as an excuse to overindulge on all those little savoury delicacies. It’s an old habit I no longer desire to keep up.
The children will be out of school soon for Christmas holidays. That’s a couple of weeks of lazing around, especially if it’s cold. So what do we all do to keep moving, to keep our bodies energized and full of vitality?
That table I mentioned a couple of blog entries ago. I’m going to have to do it. That list of the exercise ideas to keep me inspired. I need a plan, man!
But first, I have to do the housework, and some school stuff. And I’m oh so good at procrastinating.
So what are you going to do about it all this December?