Am in an excited state of nervousness. I took the decision to go back to college, and while initially it’s a small course, it’s what I am hoping will lead to bigger and better things.
At the age of 34 I feel I am in a state of limbo. I never did finish my education as far as I had planned, but the upside is a pretty damn wonderful family life consisting of spouse, kids, and animals. It’s pretty idyllic, and I wouldn’t have changed the last 12 years for anything. Financially, though, we’re limited. Jobs are limited when you’re having to deal with school terms and days, and childcare is expensive, especially if the job you’re on is based in minimum wage.
And so of course, I start to wonder about my lack of education and qualifications.
I’ve made enough observations of situations and people to decide how I want to make my mark on the world. I’m fairly certain I know what I want now.
So what’s been holding me back? After all this time, if I know what I want, what is to stop me?
I’m used now to making mistakes, and realising the cost of those mistakes. Financially, emotionally, and mentally a bad choice can cost a fortune, and what if this is the wrong choice again? What if I fail?
Aren’t we taught though, that all the best successes have come from failure? Isn’t there a famous quote, apparently by Einstein?
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”
The problem is though, I have an obligation to my family. If I fail, if this course isn’t right for me, then it will affect us all financially. I am not a single 20 something with no one else to worry about. I’m an allegedly responsible adult, with dependants. How many times can I afford to fail?
The truth is though, that actually, I’m failing myself already. I’ve been believing I’m not capable, believing that I’m doomed to fail so why try? Worrying about failure has had me failing to believe I’m able to get what I want. Ironically, I’ve tried so many things instead of college (because I didn’t want to fail at college again), and have failed at many of them because my heart isn’t in it, that I can add even more to my list of failures than if maybe I’d just gone back to college!
So from today. From this moment on. I am building my very own road, creating my own career path. I cannot predict the future, but if I want a good one, surely I need to have a part in that!
So I’ve failed on lots of things, I’m just closer to the success than ever I was before!