Wanting to not want.

Published February 11, 2013 by Crystal

I’ve woken up realising that an old habit is dying very hard.

After years of dieting, and deciding to get off that old wheel of misery, I’ve still noticed the odd negative criticisms creeping in through the day.  I’m not in a good place at the moment, back on anti depressants, sleeping very erratically, and generally finding it hard at the moment, and I imagine these things aren’t helping to keep the diet mentality from trying to sneak back in.

I’m focussing on eating when physically hungry, and stopping when full (not stuffed, just satisfied).  I’m focussing on not worrying too much about my food choices, not limiting or depriving myself and causing a binge of some sort.   And I started this with the genuine belief that if I never lose weight I will accept that, so long as I am physically healthy and happy.  Unfortunately though, those horrid subversive thoughts are making their way back again.

“I wonder if I’ve lost any weight yet”

“I need to eat less bread”

“I eat too much oil and not enough veg, I should have less oil”

“I want an avocado but I’d eat too much and too many.”

“I wonder how quickly I could lose a stone”


Now I can probably attribute the negative messages to the state I am in at the moment.  I’m the first to look and criticise my body when actually I’m upset about something else.  What I do need to put into action though is the stopping these thoughts in their track.  More than ever at the moment I need to counter the negativity with self affirmation.  I can celebrate the fact that I’ve noticed what is going on, this is big progress since stepping off the diet treadmill.

Think I’ll be having an awful lot of conversations with myself while I silence those negative thoughts!


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