I have an interview this evening for a course I hope to be on come September. It’s a Certificate in Counselling, and would be the first big step to becoming a counselor.
I’m nervous. How will it go? What will he think of me. Will he think me a fraud? Will he be watching how I move, what I say, all those little give aways that we try to hide? Afterall, he’s a counselor himself, who’s a specialist in reading body language and nuances.
Will he pick up on something I don’t even realise and think me completely unsuitable for a life in counselling?
What I did learn in my 10 week course was that I definitely over think every event, and come up with a hundred possible outcomes! I worry constantly about what others are thinking, about how they look at me. A single glance can send me spiralling into a mind reading chat with myself.
Did she just glare at me? Does she think she’s better than me? Is she critiquing my choice of clothes today? What does she know? I’ve had a tough day. I can wear what I like. Bet she’s sniggering now. She just laughed with her friend. I bet it was about me. The bitch. The gossipy bitch! I’d like to see her looking so smug in my situation. She thinks I’m fat because I’m lazy. She is making all these assumptions about me without even speaking to me. The cow.
Ever had that sort of conversation in your head? All because of a single glance or look from someone? I used to do it all the time. But the fact is, they probably didn’t even see you. They are quite possibly preoccupied with their day, their life, their sick mum. They aren’t scrutinizing your tracksuit bottoms and sweat shirt. They have no interest in scowling at you and making you feel inferior. They have their day and their life.
And this is what I try to remember now. Am trying to remember for this evening. He may well place judgements as I walk in to the room. He may make some decisions about me through what I wear or how I talk. But I won’t know what those judgements are, and they’re none of my business. He is in charge of the course, but I can only be myself. I can only be as honest as I can, as authentic as I can.
In day to day life, this has been very liberating. I am no longer over analysing every situation with negative connotations. I am not placing assumptions and perceptions where there doesn’t need to be any. I am liberating myself and others.
And so what if someone did intentionally glare at me? So what if they dislike me so much they cannot look at me with anything but contempt? Is it my problem to fix? There will always be people that dislike us, but we don’t have to live with this knowledge as a burden.
We are beautiful people. All of us. All of us wonderful and perfect to someone. But to those that we aren’t. Well, it’s none of our business!