For many weeks, it’s been so hot and sunny I’ve gotten away with flowing dresses, and tunics and leggings. Everything is forgiving and hides all those bumps and lumps. But on Sunday I had to pop to the supermarket and squeeeeeezed into my jeans. My inner hater voice saw the perfect moment to attack;
“You’re so fat. This is the fattest you have ever been. You’re lazy. And fat. You need to diet. Honestly. You have no self control and you’re fat.”
Fortunately I have a lovely group of ladies to reach out to in moments like this, thanks you those Beyond Chocolate sisters! I know when my gremlin strikes, I can go share my experiences with others who have their own noisy spiteful voices, and I can look at the deeper issues. I think there are a few things going on at the moment. One is that I stopped taking prozac a few weeks ago, having started a course in January. In that time I have gained about a stone, and am now at my heaviest I have ever been. The knee jerk reaction is to start looking to the diet clubs. I want to lose this weight fast! Horrid extra weight. Horrid fat. Horrid me. Should I take some milkshake of some sort? That aways shows a nice quick loss after all…..or maybe some juicing, it’s summer after all. Some juice might be nice. But then what diet haven’t I tried? Maybe there’s something out there that will work the way nothing else has?
Or I could tune in to myself.
What is bothering me? Besides my jeans not fitting?
Well, I’m anxious about speeding up my power walking times to get ready for the Cheltenham Half Marathon. I feel like I’ve failed before I’ve even done it. But to address that I’ve committed myself to walking every evening and invited friends to join me. One walk at a time!
I veered away from my mostly vegan diet for a time, and noticed I felt less healthy. I felt I was constantly letting myself down…..have now ordered several staples for the cupboards and can eat better for myself.
I am anxious about how the prozac has affected me physically. Has it messed up my metabolism? Only time will tell on this one, but I know one thing; googling does NOT help. For every positive message there are 10 messages of despair! Hopefully moving my body and eating foods that nurture will help me feel grrrrrreat!
And finally, yep, it’s the end of our family holiday. For the next 4 weeks it’s me, and my kids, and the animals. How will I keep them entertained? How will I keep sane? How will I get any housework done? I downloaded the Flylady app before we went away on holiday. I shall be putting it to good use in these coming weeks and developing healthy habits in more ways than food and movement!
So there you have it. Inner hater voice silenced. For now. She’ll be back. But for now I have the upper hand!