Didn’t get my medal :-(

Published September 15, 2013 by Crystal

If things had gone as planned I would still be out doing the Cheltenham Half Marathon.  As it is, I’m home, under a blanket, feeling shivery and still a little dizzy.  I made less than two miles.  I couldn’t catch my breath, felt more and more dizzy with spots in front of my etes, until I got to the point where I thought I would black out.  Today the half marathon just did not happen.

Honestly I feel a failure.  Those nasty voices in my head are telling me what a fat useless lump I am.  “Couldn’t even make two miles” they chant.  “Look how fat you are, how unfit you are, compared to all those proper athletes”

Those nasty little voices are also telling me I should seriously think about dieting “You eat too much.  You’re fat and lazy.  You need a high protein diet, you obviously need to start eating meat again”

I can’t really process too much of this all now.  I do feel like a massive failure.  But on the other hand I am going to list things that I’ve done and can do, in spite of my size, and that indicate my health is better than it was 18 months ago.

  1. I can do a full zumba class and keep up with almost all the moves, and I get out of breath far less than I used to, and can jump far more than I could.
  2. I can walk 4 miles in an hour, normally, and feel tired, but not need to stop.
  3. I completed the Moonwalk in May
  4. My recovery rate is much better than 18 months ago.
  5. I am trying out new things to see what I enjoy, rather than telling myself I’ll fail before I start.

Food wise, I honestly don’t know what to do at the moment.  I enjoy eating vegan.  I generally feel better.  But I wonder if I am neglecting certain vitamins and minerals while I eat this way.  I’ve been feeling drained and dizzy for some weeks now on and off, and I don’t know if it is linked to what I am or am not eating.   One day on holiday I had very little energy and felt I might fall off the harbour wall. 😦  I’ve cut my wine nights to two a week…..believe me, it’s virtuous compared to what I’m capable of, and if I’m honest, there’s no way I’m giving up any more.  I like wine.  I enjoy eating a variety of vegetables, and nuts and beans, but maybe it’s not varied enough.

Maybe I just need to take all goals away from myself and get back to moving for fun!  Back to finding things I enjoy doing.  Like dancing around the house to crazy music, and walking into town because I can, and because I enjoy feeling energised by it.  Maybe I just need to take some pressure off me for now.

 

And maybe, just maybe I need to stop worrying about failing.

Because failing isn’t a bad thing.

It meant I tried.

I tried.

 

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4 comments on “Didn’t get my medal :-(

  • Miranda, one needs to do lots of training to run a half marathon. Your inability to do it isn’t an indicator of how fit you are. You tried to do it and that means everything. You have the spirit and enthusiasm to take on a half marathon which is not to be sniffed at. And I’m fairly certain you will excel in things that marathon runners don’t excel in. Horses for courses. Don’t give yourself a hard time, you do NOT deserve it. Huge hugs, Karen xx

  • Sorry to hear it didn’t work out but I agree that it’s better to have tried than to sit on your bum thinking about doing it. Hope you feel better soon and having an evening walk/run sounds a lovely idea. Xx

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