If things had gone as planned I would still be out doing the Cheltenham Half Marathon. As it is, I’m home, under a blanket, feeling shivery and still a little dizzy. I made less than two miles. I couldn’t catch my breath, felt more and more dizzy with spots in front of my etes, until I got to the point where I thought I would black out. Today the half marathon just did not happen.
Honestly I feel a failure. Those nasty voices in my head are telling me what a fat useless lump I am. “Couldn’t even make two miles” they chant. “Look how fat you are, how unfit you are, compared to all those proper athletes”
Those nasty little voices are also telling me I should seriously think about dieting “You eat too much. You’re fat and lazy. You need a high protein diet, you obviously need to start eating meat again”
I can’t really process too much of this all now. I do feel like a massive failure. But on the other hand I am going to list things that I’ve done and can do, in spite of my size, and that indicate my health is better than it was 18 months ago.
- I can do a full zumba class and keep up with almost all the moves, and I get out of breath far less than I used to, and can jump far more than I could.
- I can walk 4 miles in an hour, normally, and feel tired, but not need to stop.
- I completed the Moonwalk in May
- My recovery rate is much better than 18 months ago.
- I am trying out new things to see what I enjoy, rather than telling myself I’ll fail before I start.
Food wise, I honestly don’t know what to do at the moment. I enjoy eating vegan. I generally feel better. But I wonder if I am neglecting certain vitamins and minerals while I eat this way. I’ve been feeling drained and dizzy for some weeks now on and off, and I don’t know if it is linked to what I am or am not eating. One day on holiday I had very little energy and felt I might fall off the harbour wall. 😦 I’ve cut my wine nights to two a week…..believe me, it’s virtuous compared to what I’m capable of, and if I’m honest, there’s no way I’m giving up any more. I like wine. I enjoy eating a variety of vegetables, and nuts and beans, but maybe it’s not varied enough.
Maybe I just need to take all goals away from myself and get back to moving for fun! Back to finding things I enjoy doing. Like dancing around the house to crazy music, and walking into town because I can, and because I enjoy feeling energised by it. Maybe I just need to take some pressure off me for now.
And maybe, just maybe I need to stop worrying about failing.
Because failing isn’t a bad thing.
It meant I tried.