Trying to remind myself, again, how a diet feels after the euphoria has worn off…and these days the euphoria wears off very quickly if I start a diet.
A usual day
AM: Having started the diet plan a couple of weeks before, I wake up hungry and thinking about the first meal of the day. I know what it will consist of, because I was planning breakfast last night, and thinking about it every time I’ve woken up. I have decided on 1 slice of toast (no spread), eggs, vegetarian sausages, mushrooms, tomatoes, and baked beans. I cook it and pile it onto my plate. It looks gorgeous, I can’t deny it. I love a “fry” up, though I don’t actually really like vegetarian sausages. But they bulk out my meal. And it’s all ok for me to eat. I didn’t have to calorie count, phew! I sit down with it, in front of the telly. Think I’ll read my emails and facebook while I eat this. Had to have a bit of ketchup, will have to write that in my food diary. Damn I’ve finished, how did that happen? Well I feel full, so that’s good. Wonder what I’ll have for lunch. What shall I have? I’ve got to go shopping this morning. I’ll get some of those low fat cheese triangles and have a big bowl of pasta and sweetcorn with one of those mixed in. Sweetcorn is ok today, and it counts as a vegetable!
AM: I wake up. Is it morning already? I need coffee! I drag myself out of bed, like I do every morning. Except weekends, how come I seem to wake up with more energy on a weekend when I really have the chance to lie in? I’ll check my emails while I have my coffee. Not hungry yet, not sure what I want. Will have a think. There are sausages and eggs in the fridge. Not sure I fancy them though. I’ll wait until I feel a bit more hungry. Ooh look a decent groupon voucher for a day out! I’ll bookmark that. Oh, my tummy just rumbled a bit more. Think I fancy something crunchy and sweet. Toast and jam? Yep, sounds good. Good job I have some lovely fresh bread in. A couple of slices, with a bit of butter. Nice for a cold day. I’ll sit at the table and enjoy this. Make sure I focus on every mouthful. Surprisingly I feel I’ve had enough now, still got most of the other slice left. The dog can have that. Better get dressed and do the shopping before the family complain of starvation and monotony of beans on toast.
Midday: My stomach feels uncomfortable. Don’t know why. But I’ve done the shopping and I got some of those triangles. Time for lunch! At least I can eat as much pasta as I like. Though I saw some filled pasta on offer in the shop. I can’t have it though. Or olives. I miss olives. Well I could have a few, but I wouldn’t be able to stop at a few. I’d end up eating the whole container. Especially those ones at the deli counter, the big juicy dark ones, with the slices of garlic, in oil. Good job I didn’t buy any. Now I think about it, I’d devour the lot. I still feel a bit full from breakfast. But it’s lunchtime and I’ve got stuff to do this afternoon. So I’ll eat now so I don’t get hungry later when I can’t eat. The pasta stuff is nice, anyway. Don’t need olives. This is just as tasty, and anyway, I want a good loss this week. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!” Must keep remembering that! Will try to fit in an exercise dvd after lunch. But I have so much to do and I’m already so tired.
Midday: Shopping done. There were some great offers. Some nice filled pastas, and they had those olives I like. So I bought a tub, and had one. They can go away until later, just needed the one to enjoy for now. Not particularly hungry yet, but I have some errands to run and might get hungry later, so I’ll stick some nuts in a pot to take with me in case I’m not able to stop for lunch. I’ll walk rather than take the car. It’s not too far, and I feel like some fresh air. I always feel good after a bit of a walk too.
Afternoon: I feel bloated from the pasta, but at least it was in my diet plan. I still want olives though. It’s all I can think about. I can just imagine them, that salty, oily taste as I bite into the flesh. And avocados. So creamy, just with a bit of salt and pepper on them. But an avocado would use up all my treat allowance. And it’s not worth it. Not for a fruit. I’d rather have chocolate and wine. Wish I could have some wine tonight. Maybe I could. Just not have it on Friday night instead. What shall I have for dinner? All this thought of food is making me hungry. I need a distraction. I’ll try the exercise dvd.
Afternoon: All errands done! And I did end up munching on a few nuts as my tummy started to get quite loud when I was in the middle of a few things. But I’m home now, and I’ve just had a lovely salad, and some cold pasta mixed with some of the lovely olives and some mushrooms from a jar. Sitting at the table really does make so much difference to me. Or at least not having the tv on, or the computer going. I’m focused fully on the food, and notice the colour, the texture, the flavour. Again I left some, because I found I didn’t need so much as I thought, even though I hadn’t piled my plate high. Think I will sit with a cup of tea and catch up with my soaps now, before everyone gets home later.
Evening: I feel exhausted. Everyone has come through the door, and I have to set about making meals for them all, and something different for me. They don’t like my diet foods, even when I’ve followed a recipe they’ve not been impressed. Fry light roasted potatoes are not the same, says husband. Nor mash with skimmed milk and no margarine. And they hate fake meat. So I cook something for them, and then I do something for myself. The kids are getting chocolate out of the cupboard. Wish I could have some of that. Well I have got my curly wurly’s sitting in the freezer (chocolate takes longer to eat after it’s been the freezer), but I decided on the wine tonight so can’t have a curly wurly as well. The kids and husband have cottage pie for supper, with the proper mash, and gravy, after all their wining. I’ve got fry lighted chips, a fake meat steak and some baked beans. I fancy mayonnaise, but haven’t got enough treat allowance. Atleast I’ll have wine later. Wish I had an olive.
Evening: Husband and kids will be home soon. I’ve made us all a cottage pie for dinner. So nice when everyone can eat the same thing. The kids are sometimes a bit fussy, but they’re told the options of like it or lump it ;-). Kids got back from school and went straight to the cupboard for a snack. Bananas was the choice of the moment, always nice when there’s fresh fruit in after a shopping trip. Sometimes it’s a chocolate biscuit or several, other times it’s raisins. They seem to instinctively go for what will suit them in the moment. They definitely love chocolate more than I do. I used to eat it on diets as my “treat” and then realised actually I’m not that fussed. I prefer savoury, like the olives. But even then, I only need the odd one to satisfy the taste craving. The table is laid and we all sit together for our evening meal. It’s nice to hear about the daily chatter, but also to see the food in front of us and be able to see what we’re eating and make the evening meal an event. Sometimes the kids leave a little more than I’d like them to. But they say they are leaving room for a pudding when they know we have one. We don’t tonight, and the cottage pie is popular. After the dishes are sorted, the table cleaned, we go to the lounge and relax in front of the tv. Husband wants something to nibble on. I feel fine after my meal.
Later Evening: I was going to have a glassbut the botle seemedto emty quikly and Ive finnised mywine. I’m hungry. Iwant olivsbut didnt bye any. I ned food. I’mso hungry. Going to get the crkywurly from frige. Got 3 in there. I’ll go to bed in aminute. Ineed some bread and butter. I have triangels I’ll eatthem.
Later Evening: I’m tired. My tummy is rumbling a bit. Is it enough to eat something? Maybe a piece of toast? Yes, a bit of toast and butter. I sit at the table, and enjoy my evening snack. Half is actually plenty, and the dog gets the rest. Time for bed I think.
Midnight: I feel full and my head hurts and my tummy hurts. I can’t sleep. I can’t remember what I ate! Oh gods what am I going to go downstairs to in the morning? I’m so hideous. I’m such a failure. Can’t even diet for a day. Tomorrow I will be good. I will stick to absolutely everything tomorrow. I still want a bloody olive. Tomorrow for breakfast I shall have just tomatoes on toast to make up for today. And stir fry for lunch and dinner. I will be good. I am so hideous. I can’t sleep. I have no willpower. I can’t sleep.
Midnight: (The sound of snoring echoes around the house).
It might look extreme, but it really isn’t. This really is how my life has gone, when on a diet, and now, thankfully off a diet. And the days stay pretty much the same, when I allow myself the luxury of living without diet thoughts.