Woke up and decided I need to make some plans. Lovely messages from lovely friends who understand, maybe who have been there. I cancelled a meet up today because being social seems to take everything out of me this week. But I know in reality that I am not helping myself.
There’s a few reasons why I think I’m struggling with the idea of being social;
Smiling seems an effort. I can laugh at a joke but the next second be back under the cloud. It’s like one of those cartoon clouds, maybe, following only me around, and every time I try to dodge, it realises and realigns itself right above my head.
Making conversation seems so, so hard. A) I don’t feel like I’m worth listening to, no one wants to listen to me drivel on about something and nothing. B) I am definitely having a concentration issue right now, and actually actively listening to someone else talk is really, really, really hard. And I don’t want to come across as rude when I have to ask them to repeat because, squirrel!
Food is an issue right now. I don’t want to eat in public just now. At home with family, that’s ok, that’s normal. But in public, just the thought sends my pulse racing. Will I eat too much? Will I eat the right thing? Will I be able to control myself? I know they’re not healthy thoughts, but I’m dealing with that. I’m being kind as I can right now.
If I want to get out of this fug before it goes on and on and on I know I need to take action. So I’m committing to one thing a day for the next week.
Today is to make Hairy Dieters Cheese Leek and Potato Pasties. They are yummy, my husband loves them, and they’re a good ready made lunch (once they’re made, obviously), and they will be useful during my second round of commitments.
Which is clearing out the old shed and putting up a new. I won’t be doing it alone, fortunately, but I commit to throwing myself into it and being present while doing it. Manual labour, decluttering, creating new. It has to be a positive thing. I envisage it taking 3 days.
I’m up to Monday. And I don’t know yet what my plans can be for then. But I have decided it will involve meeting up with friends, of visiting those that have come to see me or kept me going with witty banter. Because good friends do understand, they know that it’s not personal. They know that sometimes depression leads to irrational thoughts and actions, but they love you and are there for you despite it, and I know that, because they all told me that in these last few weeks. And I am grateful for that.
So those are my plans. Starting with today. And when things don’t happen. That will be ok too. Part of the thing is seeing that there is even a reason to make plans. xxx