Lots of endings for me today. My oldest son leaves Primary School, preparing for a new stage of life. I have been a bit of an emotional bundle the last couple of months. Knowing we were drawing towards this day, thinking about what it means to him, but also what it means and symbolises to me. He is my firstborn. He has moved so much, changed so much, he is growing from boy to man, and the years are passing, childhood is fading. Soon he won’t be the lanky, mouthy child. He will be a lanky, mouthy teenager, and then an adult. Needing me less, becoming more and more independent.
It is a bitter sweet thing. Not good, not bad, just, being, happening, as the clock ticks and the earth turns.
But I have learnt this last year that my feelings are ok. It is ok to feel a loss as things change. It is ok too show those emotions. It is ok to sometimes not be able to know straight away what one is feeling. And I may well sob during my son’s leaving assembly, or I may store it up and cry alone. It is all ok. Neither good or bad.
The other big ending tonight is a certificate evening for the students to collect our Counselling Skills Certificates. It’s been quite a year. I’m still processing what I have meant, what I feel about the ending, what I want next.
But one thing I now understand is that I’m good enough. A good enough mum, a good enough wife, a good enough sister, a good enough daughter, and a good enough friend. I try my best. Sometimes I fail spectacularly, sometimes I soar. Sometimes I don’t take everyone else into thought when I act, sometimes I bend over backwards to help and support and come out feeling battle worn, especially when I feel like it’s thrown into my face. But I try. And that is good enough. I am past laying blame into what made or makes relationships fail, and I am past allowing myself to accept and take on unfair blame from others. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt, or it doesn’t matter. Endings can be painful, and I don’t want to add more with blame. Accepting and acknowledging the changes. Allowing feelings to surface, to give them space, to allow upset and hurt. But for me, now, blame seems rather pointless. It doesn’t lessen the pain, it doesn’t offer a relief. It can, if anything, leave us more angry and hurt, and feeling unable to find resolution. Relationships change as we age. Whether it’s us, whether it’s the other person. It is impossible to remain the same. But I refuse now to see it as good or bad. It is, for me, another part of the journey of life. I know I have changed through having experienced the course. I believe my voice is as valid as anyone else’s, and expressing my feelings is not a bad thing that will kill me. I have learnt a bit about projection, and am aware of myself projecting a bit more, but also of others projecting onto me. And if I’m honest it has led me to stepping back and away from some intense situations. But again, it is neither good nor bad. My stepping away may have had some impact, but on the other had my needs are valid as those of others. And self care is important and valuable!
Anyway I need to get going. Lots to do.