Last Wednesday I woke up, after a month of on off fasting and thought, I am bored of fasting. And if I’m honest, the foods I was eating on the feed days were not the best choices in the main. I think, if I’m honest, it was a lazy easy way of having all the cake and eating it too. There may be lots of health benefits to fasting, but filling my body with junk is going to negate some of them I’m pretty sure. Plus not eating for one day and eating the next was a novelty wearing off. If I drank alcohol on the eat days, I found the fast days really really hard, but I had a fair few social engagements in that month.
So I was fasting on that Wednesday, having mixed some days around, and met up with a friend who is doing Slimming World. She’s done well, and I did well in the past. I needed a change, and this seemed as good as any. So I found a class and joined. By now, you will see, if nothing else, I am impulsive, and if my mind is set, i want to do it.
So it’s nearing the end of the first week, and I am feeling good. I have accepted I want to lose weight. All the body acceptance in the world won’t stop that desire. But the reasons are, in the main, better ones. For health, for longevity, for appreciation of my body. Sure, vanity is in there. I’m not going to lie. I have some gorgeous clothes in the loft that would love a second outing. But there is not the urgency there can be at times.
When my depression hit and my ED returned, and I stopped Weight Watchers and moved back towards Intuitive Eating it was exactly what I needed to bring back that kindness to myself. When in the throes of dieting we can allow ourselves to become so consumed and full of self loathing. For me it is a negative spiral that then takes me lower and lower. I forget all the good things about myself and my body. I start only to see the flaws. The flaws magnify. Like the “fact” I can’t reach goals because I have no willpower. The “fact” I can’t control myself and make good food choices. That I’m lazy, that I will always be fat and ugly. And so on. And so forth. Etc. Etc.
Intuitive Eating turns the diet thoughts on their heads. It twists around what I think about myself and my body. It gives me help to discover myself again. To appreciate and love the things my body can do, has done. And it helps me remember that I am my biggest and best advisor when I tune in to myself.
For me though, mindful eating is a great big pain in the bum. Concentrating on every mouthful. Stopping and leaving food on the plate. If I’m honest it is exhausting, and I Can’t, Be, Bothered. It doesn’t enhance my life. It doesn’t make the food experience all the better. It pisses me off.
So fasting was worth a try, for the tentative depression links, but also to take away the thoughts around food. And it did for a time, and it does for lots of people. But my realisation is I love food too much to miss every other day. And so if I’m going to eat every day, I need to be making healthy choices more often than not.
And that is where the return to diet clubs comes in.
Bored to the back teeth with counting points, Slimming World was a positive option for me at this time. I can look back at the previous times, with an understanding of where it all went wrong. And hell, this might only suit me for a month, or two. But I may make it 6 months happy as larry. What I do know is that 10 months on from first joining WW, and 35lbs down, having pretty much maintained the last 2 months, I am ready to continue the weight loss. I am certainly not ready to throw in the towel, complain it’s not working and put all that weight back on. But what that means is actually I will always have to watch what I eat. And acknowledging and accepting and not hoping for the magic of intuitive eating to click in all together, brings a sense of peace. A peace where I CAN diet and be kind.