I am one week away from a whole year of a weight loss journey. I am 2 pounds off the 3 stone mark.
This week I want to put some effort in. I want to be able to stand on those scales next week and cheer myself for losing 3 stone in 1 year.
Of course, goals and I don’t get on too well.
I am the expert in self sabotage. The professional when it comes to finding a hundred ways to not hit a goal. I have accepted that that is a part of me, not in some self defeatist way, but in a way that means I don’t often set myself goals and targets that I will then despise myself for not hitting. “A stone by Christmas” is the current goal that many are aiming for. And that is great for the goal oriented person. But for me. Not so much. I go into a panic, and assume failure before I have even started. But this week I have a goal. And it’s for a week. And a week is just 7 days! I can do 7 days! Because 3 stone has been a long time coming. It has felt stagnant at times. May was no fun, June followed in a blur, but come July I was ready to get back in the saddle and continue my weight loss journey. But it continued to be slow, mostly non existent.
Last week I decided I needed to have a break from writing on the various facebook weight loss groups. What would happen if instead of baring my soul to others about all my thoughts and feelings I internalized those things and worked through by myself?
Monday morning came and I awoke with the feeling of dissatisfaction. 2 days before Slimming World weigh in. I felt miffed. The plan was fine enough, but I didn’t feel motivated, and I was losing at a very, very, very slow pace. The slow rate would become all the more obvious every time I went to class and the leader would be chanting on about how we could get really big losses if we did x, y and z. As I thought more about it, the more I decided it really wasn’t working for me. But what I was NOT thinking was “Gods I’m so fat and useless and I can’t lose weight and I will always be fat because I have no will power, etc, etc”. The plan was not working for me. Not this time. And as is my mantra throughout these blog posts these days; THAT IS OK. It doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t mean things will never change.
So what did I want to do? I enjoy a class, I enjoy following a plan at the moment. And in my head I decided enough time had lapsed since the stress fracture and depression and horrors of May that maybe it was time to revisit Weight Watchers. My class leader is a lovely lovely woman, and I had missed seeing her on a Monday. I missed the support that she really does give 100% throughout the week. And I actually missed eating a bigger range of foods. OK pointing might be faffy to some. Measuring or counting might seem an added stress, but for most of the time I didn’t mind as I lost 2 and a half stone over time.
So I texted my old class leader to see if she was still running her old class, and was happy to hear a yes! When I went to the first class, it was a proper being welcomed back with open arms and a hug type feeling.
I continued the facebook weight loss talk silence. Occasionally I would read something, but continued to internalize most of my thoughts and feelings as the week went on. Was I happy with my decision? Was it sitting right? And I realised how utterly relaxed I felt about my choices! By accepting that I was unhappy with the progress I wasn’t making, and by making a change I was in control. But I was also in control of how I reacted to the messages coming from the Slimming World leader. I could have blamed myself for lack of willpower and so on, or I could accept that it wasn’t working for me at the moment and there was no need to blame anyone or anything. Because blame is exhausting, but it’s also pretty limiting as I see it. I have spent so many years blaming someone or something for my weight issues. My mother, my school peers, the media, the diets. And in all that time of laying blame, it has not empowered me to make the changes I want to make. By blaming those things, it took away my control. My mother did what she thought was best. I can’t go back and change things. My peers were probably shallow and idiotic, and it was easy to pick on the plump girl. Dwelling on what happened at school doesn’t help me move on in my life as it is now. The media sells what people are prepared to by. There will always be ignorant idiots who see body image as the be all and end all of life. I choose not to by tittle tattle magazines, and can ignore a lot of those messages now. There is far more uplifting material to pick up and enjoy. And as far as diet clubs go, I am now in a place where I value myself. Yes diet clubs want to part us from our money, and yes we can do it without diet clubs. But I can also choose to use a diet club in a way that supports me, knowing my self worth remains in tact whether I lost or gained on the scales. So while Weight Watchers works for me and supports me in my weight loss, I will enjoy it. It is what works now. And now is where I am trying to spend more of my time.
So anyway, a week away from diet talk on facebook, and what did I learn? Well, I guess that sometimes I need that silence so I can answer my own questions and worries. If I had not had the week off I might have carried on with SW for a bit longer, thinking that at least weight was coming off, and it does work. If I had not had that silence I may well have carried on bumbling along. So sometimes, I guess, we need that silence to hear our own thoughts, properly. Sometimes we need to not listen to other peoples’ opinions or thoughts, because it can cloud our judgement, however unaware we may actually be at the time!
Anyway, think it’s time for another before and during, because I still have some way to go, but I am getting there!