I woke this morning after a horrid day yesterday with a lot of pain and nausea. It might have been a tummy bug, but on reflection I think it was an ibs attack.
This sent me internal dialogue into a spiral of criticism and anxiety. If I am tuning in and listening to my body, how have I ended up with an IBS attack? Clearly omitting gluten and dairy and meat isn’t helping. I am not tuning in enough. I am missing something. And if I can’t tune in enough to eat the right foods, then I probably have eaten so much I have gained half a stone. Oh, and Thursday was a rest day, yesterday I was poorly, so I have done no exercise in 48 hours and that is incredibly lazy!
But I observed these thoughts and this little discussion between the voices in my head, and rather than being defensive, or justifying my actions or decisions, I have been saying “Isn’t that interesting?”
Rather than interacting with the thoughts that are whizzing through my head, I am watching, listening, and pausing before responding.
It isn’t easy. When I normally actively participate in addressing and responding to the thoughts in my head, it is quite hard to let them pass for a little longer. And it is bizarre to realise the thoughts come through whether I want them to or not, whether I think they are acceptable or not.
The biggest boldest thought that came through was that I should weigh myself. And it is the one that I did go into depth thinking about. It was one that in the past I would obey. Because there is still that worry over weight gain, and anxiety over not tuning in. But for now I know it is not going to aid in my healing from disordered eating, and for now I have committed to that for myself.
It really looks like such an innocent thought. Go on, weigh yourself, just so you know you’re heading in the right direction. Just so you know you haven’t completely slipped up….
Slipped up where? Slipped up how? What do I want here? What is it I am measuring? How much food I’ve eaten in the last 2 days? How bloated I am after an IBS attack? What exactly do I NEED to measure? Am I not looking at my overall health and well being at the moment? What would the scales tell me? And how would I interpret that information today?
So I stood up against that voice telling me to weigh. Telling me to measure myself by a plate of metal on the floor. And I looked inward to how I am feeling now. A little bit sensitive physically, like I’ve been punched in the gut a few times. A little bit disappointed that I had an IBS attack, while I am focussing on tuning in, and giving thought and care to the food I eat. Wondering if it is stress related, what it is I am feeling stressed over, what I am not addressing at the moment, but internalising and tensing up over.
As I type I am not entirely sure, but as I continue to tune in, and be kind to myself, I am sure the answers will come. There are several thoughts and concerns that come to me, and so it is time to observe how I react physically to those thoughts and feelings, and see what they tell me.
But it is nothing that a number on the scales would have helped with. Not at all.