I am a mess, and sometimes healing feels like a slow slow business.

Published November 22, 2014 by Crystal

2 blog posts ago I raved about the idea of not weighing.  I embraced the idea of healing being an all encompassing thing, and that hopping on the scales was getting in the way of my healing from disordered eating.

Oh to be free from the judgemental slab of metal.

So, how have I got on?  How am I embracing a life away from the scales?  How am I enjoying healing on a whole new level?

I’m not.  Between then and now the Black Dogs that never really go away were biting at my heals, not satisfied with just walking alongside.  I ended up at my doctor’s door, asking for help, because this time around I couldn’t do it alone, no matter how much effort I had put in.

I know there is no shame in needing medication, but I felt I had let myself down in not being able to exercise myself out of this episode of depression.  I felt disappointed that good eating and regular exercise hadn’t had the full desired effect.  You can only go on struggling for so long, before something has to give.

I was anxious, tearful, sad, dissatisfied, out of sorts, out of place, and generally uncomfortable all the time.

So I was given a prescription, and I’m in the process of weaning onto them.

But then the worry of being on anti depressants kicked in.  They have a reputation for weight gain, and I will be completely honest in saying the thought of this started to completely stress me out.  I have worked hard to lose 3 stone.  And it was a long slow process.  The thought of gaining pounds that I fought to lose was and is something that added to the anxiety I was already feeling.  And of course it takes a while for the tablets to have an effect.  So anxiety magnified, depression increased, I had to seriously think about how I wanted to approach this new situation.

Not weighing myself became a cause for fear.  To not be able to monitor how these tablets might affect my weight was something I could not bear the idea of.  And suddenly a need for control, and possible damage limitation was a priority.

For the first few days my appetite completely vanished.  It made exercise difficult, and didn’t help with my moods.  But I was also aware that symptoms can be short lived, and a diminished appetite was very likely a temporary effect.  I was right, my appetite returned, and the panic of eating too much returned with it.

I have stepped onto the scales several times over the last week, normally once a day.  And for now it helps bring some calm in a situation that is making me anxious.  I do feel I need medication at the moment, and so the healing from disordered eating is something that will continue to be  a very slow occurrence.  I also decided to return to a diet club to help me monitor my foods, to take the stress and anxiety away a little while the pills do their thing.

It’s not an ideal situation, but then on the other hand I’ve chosen a diet club that is seeming to be more mindful in its advice and literature these days.  There is support in the form of a good friend who goes regularly, as well as the friendly class and leader.  For now, it will help.


On the plus side, my running is progressing.  This 36 year old managed to run for a whole 20 minutes!  It’s a small goal in comparison to the masses who are already marathon fit, but for me it is a big fat miracle!  And the feeling of achievement after that training run was immense!  Onwards and upwards, longer, stronger, fitter.  I am running for SANE in 2015 London Marathon, and if you would like to sponsor me, there is a button to the right of my blog page.


So there’s a wee update.  2 steps forward, a few steps back.  But then that’s the way life goes.


2 comments on “I am a mess, and sometimes healing feels like a slow slow business.

  • Stay strong and keep going! You’re doing great and no need to compare yourself to anyone, there’s always someone out there better than you, and then there’s someone out there better than them, just focus on the only person that matters, you!

    You can do this and your progress is great! Wish I could run 20 min, maybe one day!

    I really hope the meds help with your depression and anxiety. – I’d also suggest pure meditation, could be in bed when you’re staring at the ceiling alone with your thoughts, as it’s the only place you can’t escape from them. Ask yourself questions, who are you really, why are you feeling the way you are feeling, seek understanding from yourself. Sounds so corny, but it helped me when I was depressed and a bit suicidal.

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