I don’t think I’ve ever truly appreciated how hard it is to find the balance for medication to help in depression. Never really accepted how delicate a balance the chemicals need to be to feel “right”.
The last couple of weeks seemed to build to a crescendo on Sunday. I reacted positively to the increase of sertraline, or rather, I reacted happily. I felt euphoric, indestructible, and I didn’t care about anything. After feeling so low for so long it was a welcome break. But the problem comes when not caring causes injury, such as a sprained ankle.
The resulting fall out, and a need to assess myself and the situation, was exhausting, and once more depressing. On half the medication I feel more human, but then I also feel low. “Sludgy” is how I would describe yesterday. Here but not here, wading through the treacle, and forcing enthusiasm for the activities around Christmas. Today I feel good, but distracted.
I am starting to wonder what “normal” really is, to a person who doesn’t suffer mental health issues. To someone who goes through life without extreme highs and desperate lows. I guess the problem is I cannot compare, because I just don’t know. There seems to be always one or the other, sometimes within minutes of each other.
In discussion with the doctor it was agreed that I would cut my meds, but that half the dose hadn’t worked so well. So today I am trying the full dose, and will have half again tomorrow. Maybe alternating will be the balance I need, but it is so much trial and error. By yesterday evening I felt so tense and stressed and noise sensitive, a stark contrast to a week previous.
If I’m honest I prefer the euphoria, and not caring. But if I’m honest, it is a dangerous mindset to have. 4 days on from spraining it my ankle doesn’t hurt so much, but I still can’t exercise. I don’t care so much about food, in that my choices aren’t so mindful, and of course, with it being Christmas I am more and more surrounded by chocolates and biscuits and general Christmas goodies. It takes extra effort to remember to think about what I would like and what would benefit. But I’m one step away from complete anxiety around food once more it feels.
On the plus side, training for the Marathon, and running for SANE remains my logical choice. If I end up running 2 miles and walking the rest, I know I’m still doing it for a cause that matters. For a cause that helps people like me, with mental health issues, and who need understanding voices in their lives.