Just been musing, as I feel sorry for myself, but marginally better than last night and this morning. I’ve kept some food down, am drinking plenty.
Taking my tablets this morning, I thought Sod this, I need to feel more chipper and upped my dose for today. Which is probably not sensible. I sound a bit like a drug addict!
On twitter someone said they were finding it hard coping, and I replied “It’s temporary”. Their response is what has gotten me thinking; “Everything’s temporary when you have rapid cycling bipolar!”
And I thought Bloody hell, yes!
In the down times it can feel like it will never end. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. But then I never want to think about the happier times finishing. But it is all temporary.
I don’t know what the mental health nurse will make of me on Tuesday. I feel like I have been so very up and down this last couple of months. Maybe I am more aware this time around as I have more time to think about it. Maybe, because nothing in particular triggered this time around, I am more conscious of it being an on going thing. And I feel like I am on a Ferris Wheel that changes speed at whim. I can be feeling bright, bubbly, achieving, and then all of a sudden, feel like I could cry and cry and cry. Some days I feel totally in control of everything, and can knock away the negatives. Other days i take everything to heart and feel worthless.
But these periods can go for hours, or a day, and then flip. There seems to be no happy medium at the moment. I think I have forgotten what that happy medium actually is.
I am forgetful all of the time. Case in point. I put some carrots on the hob 20 minutes ago. When the timer went off, I wondered why. I had completely forgotten that I had put carrots on to boil!
And meditation at the moment? Forget it! I couldn’t even make it through Sherlock’s Baskervilles earlier. And I love me a bit of Cumberbatch, Freeman and Gatiss!
Today I’m pissed off that exercise is off the cards too. It would be stupid to go out in this weather when I have been feeling so unwell, and tomorrow is another day. But I’m angry my training schedule is derailed and this time not because I was reckless and irresponsible and sprained my ankle. This time it is not my fault.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is that all these emotions are temporary. They don’t ever last. So while it’s disappointing that I won’t always be happy and high, I can be glad that the low times don’t last either. There is always a time in the future that things will change.
But right now I would just like to level a bit. And to feel a bit more stable, please. Because the ups and downs have gotten a bit exhausted, and I think my body has come to that conclusion as well as my head!