#janathon a little bit meh, good job it’s a rest day. #depression and paranoia.

Published January 27, 2015 by Crystal

Boy is still sick, so it was a good excuse to stay home ALL day, but in all honesty I don’t think I could have done anything anyway.  Feeling physically achy in my legs, and my foot seemed to be smarting after yesterdays long run.  So I stayed at home, doing a little bit of this and that, looking up a fair bit of #setlock, watching a fair bit of #Sherlock, and resting my body.

Mentally I feel agitated and emotional, and reactive.  The sort of mood where I could say everything I don’t say if I wasn’t careful; where I could have a full on argument because I really don’t care; where I could walk away from friendships because they feel exhausting.  And maybe that’s a reason why depression can be so damaging.  Maybe sometimes the sufferer can’t help but let out all the hurts and pain they’ve held onto and held in for so long.   That filter that keeps the sufferer caring and mindful of others sometimes snaps.  But then maybe it should be permanently broken?

But then I prefer to avoid drama, and I prefer to keep most of my hostile and negative thoughts to myself.  They won’t serve anyone.  I don’t want to sit in judgement of others.  It’s exhausting, and their life is none of my business. I’ll offer my opinions when a discussion takes place, but I am mindful and they are censored, because what is going on in my head is often a whole lot of chatter and emotions!

If others want to sit in judgement of me through the things I have said or done, I can’t do anything about that.

But today I feel anguised and angry, and there are conversations going on in my head, whole scenarios about things that have taken place, and games that I feel are being played around me because I haven’t behaved a certain way, or said the right things, or smiled and nodded where and when I should.  I’m drained with the possibilities, and this is the point at which I want to blurt out every thought and feeling, to uncensor everything.  Because if people are playing games around me, the least I should be able to do is make it a level playing field?  Surely?

But I won’t.  Because it might all be in my head.  And if it isn’t.  Well, life’s too short.  There are good, lovely people in my life, and I’ll just remember them all the more for their love and support.

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