No longer whimsical about wine #mentalhealth #blackdog #depression

Published March 13, 2015 by Crystal

I realised half way through the week that I still had over 6 weeks to the marathon.  I’ve made a commitment to abstain for the 6 weeks in the run up to the marathon, so having got the weeks wrong, and having a horrid cough and cold that is inhibiting my training 100% at the moment I decided a medicinal bottle of wine would help soothe my throat, help me sleep, help me feel better.

It did none of those things.

And its dawned on me, wine is no longer enjoyable in the way it was.  Whether it is a temporary thing, or whether it is a long term thing I don’t know.

I don’t know if my brain chemistry has changed so much that the enjoyment has been affected.  I don’t know if it’s just down to generally feeling a little more in control of things because of the Slimpod.  This week I haven’t had the desire to grab a glass or several to help my mood, or help me sleep, or whatever.  I have felt quite chilled in the evenings and have not slept too badly.

Last night I slept horrendously.  2am saw me wide eyed and hot, then cold, then hot, then cold.  Then coughing, then uncomfortable.  I was fitful until 4:36am.  Where miraculously I fell asleep until 6:05am, and then until 7:14am.  I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel depressed, I just felt annoyed.  Because wine didn’t do what I hoped.  It didn’t give me a good night’s sleep.  It didn’t soothe my throat and stop the cough, and it didn’t make me particularly happy and chirpy while I drank it through the evening!

Wine has been a big part of my life.  Friends see wine related pictures and jokes, and I’m automatically tagged.  While I don’t hit the vino at midday, I am capable of drinking a lot.  And it has contributed to some great times.  But it has also contributed to some pretty horrendous episodes, when my depression has led to manic episodes.  I’m not an alcoholic.  I’m a depressive who self medicates with alcohol.  But really, either way you look at it, it’s not ideal.  And as time goes on I am more aware of the cons, and far less aware of the pros.

So, here we are, on a drizzly Friday morning, feeling slightly disappointed at the conclusion that maybe life would be better without wine.

How am I going to be witty and charming?  How am I going to feel relaxed and less awkward in uncomfortable situations?  And then there’s the Adam Ant question, “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?”

It all feels ridiculously grown up.

But if my mental health improves then it’s going to be a great grown up life!


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