There are many ways to bolt. Walking out the door. Renting a helicopter. Distracting yourself from your pain by doing a thousand things: thinking about something else, blaming your mother, blaming someone else, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to other people, dreaming about life in the future, recalling life in the past, never getting deeply involved.
Spending your life trying to lose weight or figure it all out.
Resigning yourself to the endless struggle with food so you never have to take the dive into the meaning of it all. Or discover who you are, what your relationships can be without the drama of food.
I’m tired. And I feel like I have been struggling with my weight for the last year. I didn’t realise I felt like this. But I weigh now, what I weighed 10 months ago. Something isn’t working. Something isn’t right. The diets aren’t working. And I realise I am obsessed with food once more.
I didn’t realise all this until I opened up Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God, a book I read several years ago, but the message of which I have forgotten as time has gone on.
I didn’t realise how much I have been running away from myself over the last year. I distract myself with a hundred things at a time. Books go half read, films go half watched. Life goes half lived while I obsess over what to eat next, or how to deal with having eaten outside of the diet plan for several days. Weigh day has become a panic inducing, anxiety enhancing main event, a test which I fail again and again with my minuscule losses, or impressive gains. The thoughts of slimfast, or herbalife, or lighter life rush through my head as I wonder what I can do to fix this never ending plateau.
In my head I know that the real trick is to accept myself. I can talk the talk. “Appreciate yourself, be thankful for all your body can do, accept yourself as you are.” I know all the lingo.
But somewhere down the line I have stopped believing it. I don’t think I like myself very much at the moment. And I think I am running away from looking into why. It’s easier to distract myself with the laptop and twitter and facebook and candy crush, and trips out with friends, and endless background noise. It’s easier to avoid thinking too much, or question that feeling of dissatisfaction.
Diets aren’t working. And the self loathing is increasing as that belief that I am a failure seeps into those little vulnerable spaces.
And Geneen suggests this obsession with food and diets is serving a purpose of avoidance, that it drowns out the madness of life.
So I’ve decided to give Geneen’s way a chance. To bring myself into the present, and to allow myself to feel what I am currently stopping myself feeling. To address fears that are hidden away.
I think I want to end the drama, and to start living a whole life again. To really enjoy the days, not to simply exist in them. Depression has played its part, but I have colluded, and it’s time to find another way.
It’s scary. But change is scary, isn’t it?