All posts for the month June, 2015

Fat is not sexy…

Published June 24, 2015 by Crystal

A blogger after my own heart!

So Bad Ass

These are the words of Steve Miller, do you remember him? He did a show called Fat Families where he basically bullied people into exercise and eating salad by calling them “massive fatties” at every opportunity in order to motivate them to lose weight.

Well I unfortunately stumbled upon his twitter feed yesterday and unsurprisingly it is filled with fat shaming posts.  What does surprise me is how far he is willing to push his condemnation of overweight people.  His feed is filled with venomous statements labelling people “fat” “lazy” and stating that they aren’t curvy, just fat.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Here’s the charmer himself telling the world about the “reality” and “truth” that fat people are unattractive and aren’t able to be in a loving relationship.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Also fat people don’t have sex.  It’s the truth, it must be!!! This vile Alan Carr wannabe said so!!  All I can think is that he…

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Beauty and jealousy.

Published June 23, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve never seen myself as beautiful.  I love dressing up.  I love wearing make up.  But I don’t see myself as beautiful.  I have a prominent nose.  And I look a lot like my dad with less feminine features than the classic beauty.  It is something that I have grown up with and not something that has ever really bothered me.  Yes, as a child there we many things I wanted to change about myself, but as I got older the pursuit of classic beauty wasn’t something I chased.  For me, beauty is more than simply looks.  It is in laughter.  It is in joy.  It is in noticing the crooked lines of a tree.  It is in appreciating a beautiful piece of art.  It is in the connection with another human being.  And in so much more.
So I was highly amused and then deeply hurt that someone I considered a friend had once said of me that I was jealous of them because they were beautiful.  It has called into question the depth of that relationship.
Firstly, the whole “they are jealous of me because of x, y and z” is a phrase and argument that Pisses me off.  It saves the accuser from having to look at their own life, their own behaviour.  But it also shakes the foundations of the accused. I have never been jealous of another for their looks.  I have never been jealous in any seriousness at material goods either.  Why should I?  I am blessed in my life with a wonderful family, fantastic pets, a lovely home, and a camper van!  My lack of beauty hasn’t stopped me receiving those things.
But it calls into question the relationship because if that is what someone who claims to be a friend genuinely thinks then what are their motives for having me as a friend?  To make them look better? To be a foil against which they shine?  Their plain friend against which they sparkle?  But also, if that is what they feel, that I am capable of such a material shallowness, do they really know me at all? 
The Shero journey has encouraged me to step into my life.  To own every bit.  To not settle for people who do not support me and me them.  And it is times like this when I am reminded of the Reason Season Lifetime poem.  While it saddens me that someone would think this way of me it also encourages me to stand tall and be myself without fear of criticism and judgement.  Over time I think we learn who the friends are that will be with us through it all.  And who will speak honestly and openly but also know us enough not to make such a hurtful and shallow judgement.  Beauty is more than skin deep, and jealousy is an exhausting emotion. And I am moving towards a life with friends who are deeper and truer than that.

Joy, pure and simple #blackdog #depression

Published June 21, 2015 by Crystal

On Friday, I finally grasped mindfulness.  It’s taken some time.  This week has passed from positive to positive.  And I am embracing it.  My doctor told me on Wednesday how my whole posture was different, how bright I looked, how my demeanour was so uplifted.  The Duloxetine is working and the depression is in the past.  I am not naive, I have been here before, and I know depression has returned, but I feel good.  For a moment I worried I feel too good.  It’s been so long since I have felt joy and happiness and contentment that for a moment I worried I was going into a hyper state, but then the joy, and the peace, and the contentment continued without increasing, and without my feeling the need to go out and be exciting and imaginative, and I realised how simple it was to still my mind, and to be in the moment, and finally, I can understand the power of mindfulness.

Friday saw husband and I taking a trip to Clifton Suspension Bridge.  While he wandered and took pictures I stood on the bridge and watched sunlight dance on the Avon, listened to the traffic of the city below, and watched cars cross bridges below, and travel back and forth alongside the river.DSCF1588 DSCF1574 DSCF1596

Peace is something that has been elusive of late.  But at this moment peace is in my grasp.  Being in the moment, not worrying about what has passed, or what might be to come.  Not concerning myself with what I need to become, or what I feel I should be, say, or do.  Just being.

I am also feeling the power of the Sheros Journey with Rebecca Kane at the moment.  The Energy Clearing Exercises have brought up thoughts and feelings that were buried, and I am allowing myself to watch and let pass visions and memories without judgement.

It really feels like there is nothing to worry about at the moment.  What is, is, and what will be will be.

Depression doesn’t have to be the end.

“Little miss cankle” Haters gonna hate! Trolls gonna troll #sizeacceptance #fatacceptance

Published June 16, 2015 by Crystal

My blog yesterday upset one of the fatshamers of twitter.  And their insult was “Shouldn’t it be LittleMissCankle instead of cackle?”

I wasn’t phased, I replied with “doesn’t bother me, I ran the London Marathon this year ;-)”

Their final retort, before I blocked them, because frankly, I don’t need to interact with self loathing trolls, was “Did you actually RUN the marathon, or did you walk? You can’t say you ran it if you walked. That’d be lying.”

The reason I’m sharing this is because it just goes to show that nothing will satisfy a troll.  I didn’t run the whole marathon, it’s true.  But I did run about 19 miles of it!  And really, it doesn’t matter whether I ran 26.2 miles, or walked every single yard.  Whether it is walking or running, the distance is the same, and training for a marathon requires months of dedication and several sessions a week.  I may not be the fittest I could be.  I may not be super slim and a runner of the highest calibre.  I may not be the healthiest person in the world.  But I committed to a major sporting event, and I completed it.  But that wasn’t enough for the troll.  It didn’t fit their image of a fat accepter sitting on the sofa for 14 hours of the day, and sleeping the other 10.  It didn’t support their belief that fat people are bone idle.

Of course, my body my business, it goes without saying, but the fact is, that even when you do make an effort to push yourself, even when you do eat well and move for health, and so on and so forth, someone somewhere is going to hate you and criticise, and accuse you of lying.

Fat shaming isn’t about concern for health and happiness, for anyone.  It’s about hate, and anger, and judgement.  It’s about people being affronted at the idea that people can live happily in their bodies that aren’t the socially acceptable norm.

I admire the Fat Acceptance activists.   The ones who will stand up against these trolls. But for me, I won’t interact.  I will blog, I will share my experiences, but yesterday’s twitfuckery shows there is no point taking part in any argument with people who use the #fatacceptance hashtag to spew hate.

“#fatacceptance is ruining the world!” bla bla bla. But what about life before it?

Published June 15, 2015 by Crystal

It dawned on me earlier, as I munched on my luscious salad, and perused twitter to see what bile Mr Miller was spewing today.  It dawned on me how fat acceptance is seen as this big evil, and how “normalising obesity is crippling our NHS” is the biggest pile of poop, because it has only just got legs in the last decade, and this country has been getting bigger for a lot longer than that!

I have been on a diet of some sort for a substantial amount of time each year for about 30 years.  And I am in my mid 30’s.  In primary school I was teased and bullied for my size, in PE lessons aged 6 I specifically remember how different I was to other kids because I couldn’t feel my ribs.  In secondary school I was also teased and bullied for my size, and then as a youth worker I had snide comments from shitty little brats who found it hilarious to comment.  The 80s and 90s were not kind to girls of a larger stature. At Secondary School our Home Economics lady was big.  And the boys in the class felt no shame in loudly mocking and ridiculing, and making her aware of how they felt about her appearance.  Fat acceptance was not a thing.  Thin was acceptable.  Fat was not.   It’s safe to say I grew up with enough self loathing to see me through the rest of my days.  And as a result of believing that thin was good and fat was very, very, very bad, I spent many days, months, years, on ryvitas and cottage cheese, or slimma soups, or dust.  I followed Rosemary Conley’s recipes to the letter, I exercised each evening to Cher.  I tried my damnedest to fit in to the acceptable norm, knowing that big was not acceptable.

And I doubt I’m alone.   In fact I would go so far as to wager that many of the fat acceptance campaigners will have grown up with similar experiences of torment and ridicule, and will have seen others dealing with the same.  I would wager that fat acceptance has come about as a reaction to years and years of fat shaming.  So to be blaming the “obesity crisis/epidemic” (really, that deserves a whole other blog post of its own) on a movement that has really only gained ground in the last few years seems somewhat ridiculous, no?

Think about that for a moment.  These people who are fighting for acceptance have endured years and years of ridicule, and have remained fat.  Often in spite of diet after diet.  So while Mr Miller sits there on his throne of judgement, he is merely continuing a behaviour which is what many of us endured in childhood and teendom.  And fat acceptance CANNOT be blamed for a situation that was taking place for decades before it even existed.

So what is the answer?  Well, for me, it is about kindness and care.  I want to look after my body.  I want to feel healthy.  I want to protect myself from disease if I can, and be around for my kids.  Sometimes I fall back into old coping mechanisms.  Sometimes eating gives me a way of not dealing with feelings I don’t want to face.  But day by day the self acceptance and self care gets easier, and the critical voices of old get quieter and quieter.  It may not be the whoopy doop super fast weight loss that Miller demands of fatties everywhere, but it is maintainable and life changing.

My salad, by the way, was yummy!

My salad, by the way, was yummy!

Leaving #juneathon. Will try again in #janathon

Published June 9, 2015 by Crystal

You know what, it has suddenly dawned on me I don’t care about Juneathon.  I have an October half to train for, but I don’t want to start yet.  I am enjoying the break from regular running.  I am enjoying socialising.  I am LOVING not hopping on the scales and feeling judged by a piece of metal.  And I am loving trying to incorporate GBOMBS into each day. So this is my last #juneathon post.  The next shall be relevant, meaningful, and maybe as dull, but it won’t be #juneathon based.  Because right now it feels judgy, and that is because of where I feel I am.  Be prepared for lots of Shero stuff from the 15th.  I’m looking forward to receiving the workbook in the next few days, and some gorgeous oracle cards!  So exciting after having gotten rid of all my cards and crystals.  I am feeling called back to a spiritual path.

Foodwise it’s all good 😉

#juneathon is not going terribly terribly well

Published June 8, 2015 by Crystal

It’s the dreaded curse time, and while I don’t feel as rough as normal (yay vegan goodness) I do feel tired and a little out of sorts.  So it’s a chillax kind of night, after a fairly active day, even though there was no specific exercise, does two hours of rigorous cleaning count?

Today I did try tempeh.  It was interesting.  Not sure I would rush to get it again, I much prefer taifun smoked tofu.  But it’s good to try these things.  I do know I absolutely love shitake mushrooms though, and they are worth the extra pennies.

Anyway, nothing exciting to write.  A 5:20am start has fuddled my brain!  I am just trying to keep the blog going daily at least.