Beauty and jealousy.

Published June 23, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve never seen myself as beautiful.  I love dressing up.  I love wearing make up.  But I don’t see myself as beautiful.  I have a prominent nose.  And I look a lot like my dad with less feminine features than the classic beauty.  It is something that I have grown up with and not something that has ever really bothered me.  Yes, as a child there we many things I wanted to change about myself, but as I got older the pursuit of classic beauty wasn’t something I chased.  For me, beauty is more than simply looks.  It is in laughter.  It is in joy.  It is in noticing the crooked lines of a tree.  It is in appreciating a beautiful piece of art.  It is in the connection with another human being.  And in so much more.
So I was highly amused and then deeply hurt that someone I considered a friend had once said of me that I was jealous of them because they were beautiful.  It has called into question the depth of that relationship.
Firstly, the whole “they are jealous of me because of x, y and z” is a phrase and argument that Pisses me off.  It saves the accuser from having to look at their own life, their own behaviour.  But it also shakes the foundations of the accused. I have never been jealous of another for their looks.  I have never been jealous in any seriousness at material goods either.  Why should I?  I am blessed in my life with a wonderful family, fantastic pets, a lovely home, and a camper van!  My lack of beauty hasn’t stopped me receiving those things.
But it calls into question the relationship because if that is what someone who claims to be a friend genuinely thinks then what are their motives for having me as a friend?  To make them look better? To be a foil against which they shine?  Their plain friend against which they sparkle?  But also, if that is what they feel, that I am capable of such a material shallowness, do they really know me at all? 
The Shero journey has encouraged me to step into my life.  To own every bit.  To not settle for people who do not support me and me them.  And it is times like this when I am reminded of the Reason Season Lifetime poem.  While it saddens me that someone would think this way of me it also encourages me to stand tall and be myself without fear of criticism and judgement.  Over time I think we learn who the friends are that will be with us through it all.  And who will speak honestly and openly but also know us enough not to make such a hurtful and shallow judgement.  Beauty is more than skin deep, and jealousy is an exhausting emotion. And I am moving towards a life with friends who are deeper and truer than that.


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