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All posts for the month July, 2015

The Fall Out of a Weight Loss Holiday

Published July 16, 2015 by Crystal

Four pounds heavier, full of food and drink that do not nourish.

It was a blow out.  But I think I am beyond the post diet binge.  It isn’t even about them any more.  I’m rebelling, I’m self sabotaging, I’m doing everything that leaves me feeling crap and guilty, but I am finding it hard to analyse why.  The thing is, I now know the benefits of eating more veg, drinking less alcohol, drinking more water.  I know that less bread for me means less bloating.  I feel the physical and mental benefits when I do these things.  But then something snaps, and I want all those foods that make me feel below par.

Is it some sort of punishment for myself?  Do I somehow feel I don’t deserve to have good health and happiness?  And feel that I need to make it harder for myself to achieve those goals?  Or do I self sabotage because I feel I never succeed, and if I don’t let myself succeed, then failure is the inevitable, and I’m used to that, and I won’t be disappointed?  Mad, backwards thinking, but somehow it feels like that is the issue at the moment.

I feel on the edge of depression again, not quite falling in, but dangerously close to that edge, and I am desperate to turn it around before it’s too late.  So today I am making better food choices for me, increasing the water, and avoiding the caffeine.  Tonight is outdoor fitness, and I will treat myself more kindly.

Having food issues is all consuming, and exhausting.  And it’s why I get so mad at the Fattist and Sizest tweeters who are dead set on fat shaming.  I don’t like myself too much right now, and it isn’t encouraging me to lose weight.  It’s led to a week of overeating simply because.  And it’s exhausting for not only me, but my husband. Not because I am hideous and too fat to have sex with, but because I am emotional and needy and lacking in the self confidence.

Time for some kindness once more.

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Weight Loss Holiday!

Published July 12, 2015 by Crystal

So y’all probably thinking, every time you come to this blog, What the hell is she thinking today?  Is she for dieting?  Against it?

Well today, I have decided, I need a break.  Maybe a day.  Maybe a couple.  Maybe I just need to step the hell away from the scales and weight loss talk, and all that jazz.

I got a new dress on Thursday.  It is beautiful.  But it is too small.  It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t think about all the measurements when I ordered it, but I am pretty sure this was the trigger into my weekend of despair and stress and anxiety.

I have maintained my current size for over a year now.  I suppose the upside is that I no longer fall into binges so monumental that I gain and gain, but it doesn’t stop me wishing for the next size down.  It’s a cosmetic issue.  It’s not really to do with health, no matter what folk like Steve Miller will tell you.  I probably move more than a great deal of folk in my situation, and I feel it when I don’t.  But I do wish for a smaller size.

Something however, is still limiting my beliefs, and leaving me feeling incapable, and so, for a couple of days, I need a break from the monotony of failure at a food plan.  Originally I had decided I want a stone off before school kicks back in in September, but now I am thinking, if I surf in my current size, will the world really end?

I’m not giving up on myself, I’m just giving myself a break from feelings of failure and disappointment, and a chance to breathe