Depression

All posts in the Depression category

No #vlm2016. But a bit of @combinedfitness and who knows! #bambicurse

Published October 3, 2015 by Crystal

I have made a promise to my husband.  The next 6 months will not consist of training walks or runs towards a Difference of 26.2 miles.  Last year was the London Marathon. (An event I celebrated with my beautiful bambi, who represents my constant ankle issues)

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And for two years before that it was the London Moonwalk

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To not have a plan ahead is a little daunting.  To not be pushing myself in some way for a big event is actually quite scary.

But then my week started like this

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Which quickly became this

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And today, after a week non weight bearing, and then a seven hour shift it is like this

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So maybe it really is time to give my bambi ankles a rest!

It is not the end of the world.  I have been wanting to surf for years.  Not training at weekends means maybe the odd trip to Bude is possible.
And on Monday I start a 60 day course with Kerry Eddie. A mind and body programme to turn around the negative thinking and make good changes.  Maybe I don’t actually need big goals to work towards.  Maybe I can scale things down, and still find satisfaction. 

This week has been tough.  It has felt like a week of failure and I have felt very emotional.  But then looking back I can accept I have achieved much.  And that will keep me going.  For a while at least.  I am now off the duloxetine.  And this week is a year anniversary of the start of recognition of a horrid depressive episode that was sucking me under, and however crap this week has been, it has not been quite that bad. Yes I have cried.  Yes I have felt a failure.  But I haven’t stayed with those feelings.   And that in itself is something to celebrate.
So 2016. What is ahead.  It is a little bit exciting because for once I really have no idea!  

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#duloxetinewithdrawal Day 6, think I got away lightly! And #Fitcamp with @combinedfitness

Published September 24, 2015 by Crystal

Pretty sure the omega 3 is a little bit magic, or I was never going to suffer that badly!

Problem is it’s been time of the month, or was it an advantage in that I was going to feel pretty crap anyway? But the dizziness has pretty much gone, brain zaps were few and far between the last couple of days, and the tiredness could be down to mother nature.

Today I have a crappy cold, though.  So I’m somewhat miserable.  But fortunately it is my day off and I have nothing to do except laundry and dishes and all that mundane crap.

I also have my lovely floppy soup  to enjoy.

I have to decide whether to give fitcamp a go, or take it easy until the evil mud run on Sunday, or do one last fitcamp.  The other problem (gawd I sound like a moaner today, because, basically, I am) is that I have a small lump on my achilles tendon, and having been here before, I know how bad it could get pretty quickly if I’m not careful.  I’m meant to be training for a half marathon at the end of October too.  I think I am an example today of how not to do anything!

On the Fitcamp subject, if you live in the Cheltenham area, I would highly recommend Kelly Eddie as a trainer, motivator, encourager, and generally lovely person.  I love Fitcamp classes.  I may not love them at the beginning, but by the end I am so happy I have completed, which is why I am in a quandary as to whether to go tonight!  And now I have a new job, I am wondering how I am going to be able to keep going in some way.  I may have to move across to her video classes, which won’t be so easy as being in a group, but then I know the support is there.

Anyhoo.  I’m off to pay attention to Eddie Izzard, and drink lots of hot drinks, and lament the passing of summer, under a blanket.

Floppy soup! #slimpodLemon

Published September 22, 2015 by Crystal

A determination has arisen.  Hopping on the scales didn’t or did help.  5lbs gained in a week.  Yes it will be fluid to a large degree, but whatever it is needs to shift.  Vintage clothes aren’t known for their stretchy properties, and sweats and t shirts aren’t my long term style!

So Operation Slimpod 6 Week Challenge steps up a gear.

I started my day with eggs on toast, plenty of fluids, and a feeling of bleurghness.  I am very bloated.  I am very uncomfortable.  A friend and I were briefly chatting about our bodies falling about, and how I am aware all too well of how much better I felt when I was walking or running most days.  That in itself has to happen again with a half marathon coming up, never mind the Mud Run this coming Sunday.  But it also seems my body is crying out for some good food.

With the new determination, and a new delivery from Abel and Cole, I decided to make myself a big stash of Floppy Soup.  You know the sort.  All that veg in the fridge that is limp and tired.  Purple carrots looked sad, the cabbage was crying out to be embraced, and the runner beans desperately wanted to run out of the fridge.  A bit of tamarind paste as stock base, some basil and oregano thrown in, a couple of acorn squashes roasted and added last, and the result is a rather tasty purple soup!

Couldn’t happen on a better day, either, with miserable clouds, cold rain, and a desire to hibernate, soup is the perfect option.

Duloxetine withdrawal won’t have the better of me.  And nor will the sweatpants!

 

Oh, and more inspiration and motivation?  How about the desire to look like Maria Von Trapp on Christmas Day with this beauty?

Duloxetine Withdrawal, Day, ummm, 3? Or is it 4? Squirrel!

Published September 22, 2015 by Crystal

Thought I would share my symptoms over the few days after my last tablet.

Brain zaps, not so many, just the odd one. Dizziness, not so fun.  Been feeling like I’m on a very long ferry ride, and it’s led to the kind of Nausea from one of those really long very rides.  Dreams are still ridiculously vivid.  Last night I rang Goodwood Hotel to book a room for the revival, and it all went wrong, and Lord March was about to get the longest complaint letter of his life.  My poor brain.  And poor Lord March!  Aaaanyway.  I am a little dizzy this morning.  Exhausted from the vivid dreams, but over all I feel all right.  The Omega 3’s do seem to have helped with the brain zaps, unless I wasn’t going to suffer them much anyway.  And I am about to take a dose of Super Greens, will see if I notice any difference.

My snark and sarc buttons seem to be easy to push today….Not sure the family will notice the difference though.

Going to drink lots of water and green tea and try to flush the body.

Appetite seems to be less today.  Not sure if it is connected to nausea.  Oh, and one thing that was horrendous yesterday was heartburn.  Absolutely hideous.  Not felt it so bad in some months.

Shall try to remember to keep you posted, blog reader.

Anti depressants and Weight Gain

Published September 21, 2015 by Crystal

I’m taking myself off the Duloxetine.  Weaning off it is apparently a nightmare.  Capsule sizes don’t match the need.  Some people seem to count beads and buy in empty capsules, and spread them out, and so on and so forth.

I have been on 30mg, which I now think is a blessing, but in the last few months my weight has ballooned, and I feel out of control.  So I have decided enough is enough.  Part of my depressive issues are heavily linked with self esteem and body issues, so when the tablet one is on is having a detrimental effect on weight, it can become a negative spiral.

I made a mistake today though, and posted in a group that I was going cold turkey.  My bad.  Everyone is an expert.  A concerned expert, but an expert nonetheless.  So I ended up deleting the post and berating myself for an idiotic move.  “Have you tried other anti depressants?” “Cold turkey is dangerous” “You must talk to your doctor”.  All valid statements.  Don’t get me wrong.  I guess part of the problem with this current medication is that I have very little emotional connection.  I just don’t care.  So instead I get irritated.  Does that make sense?  I know it doesn’t.

Anyway, then comes the wowser statement that pisses me off, especially when the person talking has little to no experience of anti depressants “Medication doesn’t tend to cause weight gain.  Eating more causes weight gain.”

Oh Gods.  Please.  No.  Google any number of anti depressants and you will find stories of weight gain, and depression as a result of that weight gain, and so on.  It may be that people feel happier and eat more.  But judging by the huge number of stories I have read, I am pretty sure it is just not that simple.  I have gained a stone in about 4 months.  It’s not good.  And I am not happy.  I preferred maintaining to this.  And the anti depressants have played a part.  Somehow.

I have no answers.  I just wanted to post and get other people’s experiences, really?

Withdrawal symptoms currently are those brain zaps, and dizziness.  I didn’t initially realise the dizziness was a withdrawal symptom when I had it the other week.  I’d just forgotten to take a tablet, and it turns out the half life of duloxetine is very short.  But then hopefully that means these crummy side effects will be over soon enough.  Back to running, and being more mindful around food and drinking loads and loads of water.  And listening to the Slimpod.

The Fall Out of a Weight Loss Holiday

Published July 16, 2015 by Crystal

Four pounds heavier, full of food and drink that do not nourish.

It was a blow out.  But I think I am beyond the post diet binge.  It isn’t even about them any more.  I’m rebelling, I’m self sabotaging, I’m doing everything that leaves me feeling crap and guilty, but I am finding it hard to analyse why.  The thing is, I now know the benefits of eating more veg, drinking less alcohol, drinking more water.  I know that less bread for me means less bloating.  I feel the physical and mental benefits when I do these things.  But then something snaps, and I want all those foods that make me feel below par.

Is it some sort of punishment for myself?  Do I somehow feel I don’t deserve to have good health and happiness?  And feel that I need to make it harder for myself to achieve those goals?  Or do I self sabotage because I feel I never succeed, and if I don’t let myself succeed, then failure is the inevitable, and I’m used to that, and I won’t be disappointed?  Mad, backwards thinking, but somehow it feels like that is the issue at the moment.

I feel on the edge of depression again, not quite falling in, but dangerously close to that edge, and I am desperate to turn it around before it’s too late.  So today I am making better food choices for me, increasing the water, and avoiding the caffeine.  Tonight is outdoor fitness, and I will treat myself more kindly.

Having food issues is all consuming, and exhausting.  And it’s why I get so mad at the Fattist and Sizest tweeters who are dead set on fat shaming.  I don’t like myself too much right now, and it isn’t encouraging me to lose weight.  It’s led to a week of overeating simply because.  And it’s exhausting for not only me, but my husband. Not because I am hideous and too fat to have sex with, but because I am emotional and needy and lacking in the self confidence.

Time for some kindness once more.

Joy, pure and simple #blackdog #depression

Published June 21, 2015 by Crystal

On Friday, I finally grasped mindfulness.  It’s taken some time.  This week has passed from positive to positive.  And I am embracing it.  My doctor told me on Wednesday how my whole posture was different, how bright I looked, how my demeanour was so uplifted.  The Duloxetine is working and the depression is in the past.  I am not naive, I have been here before, and I know depression has returned, but I feel good.  For a moment I worried I feel too good.  It’s been so long since I have felt joy and happiness and contentment that for a moment I worried I was going into a hyper state, but then the joy, and the peace, and the contentment continued without increasing, and without my feeling the need to go out and be exciting and imaginative, and I realised how simple it was to still my mind, and to be in the moment, and finally, I can understand the power of mindfulness.

Friday saw husband and I taking a trip to Clifton Suspension Bridge.  While he wandered and took pictures I stood on the bridge and watched sunlight dance on the Avon, listened to the traffic of the city below, and watched cars cross bridges below, and travel back and forth alongside the river.DSCF1588 DSCF1574 DSCF1596

Peace is something that has been elusive of late.  But at this moment peace is in my grasp.  Being in the moment, not worrying about what has passed, or what might be to come.  Not concerning myself with what I need to become, or what I feel I should be, say, or do.  Just being.

I am also feeling the power of the Sheros Journey with Rebecca Kane at the moment.  The Energy Clearing Exercises have brought up thoughts and feelings that were buried, and I am allowing myself to watch and let pass visions and memories without judgement.

It really feels like there is nothing to worry about at the moment.  What is, is, and what will be will be.

Depression doesn’t have to be the end.