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The Bambi Curse. An unexpected Sunday @devilmudrun and @combinedfitness

Published September 28, 2015 by Crystal

My attempts at fitness each year wouldn’t ever be complete without some sort of injury.  It’s just a shame that this one happened in the first few hay bales of the long awaited Devil Mud Run.
I was looking forward to it.  A very different challenge to any previous experiences, and with such a lovely group of women. 
So we took part in the warm up, which was fun and crazy, and tiring!  And we were off.  Three or four hay bales, I forget now.  Hopping onto and over.  Until the final.  On fine, off with a pop.  My ankle had gone in, the pop was loud, I staggered two steps and collapsed in agony.  My lovely team were there calling for marshals and paramedics, but to be honest I can’t remember much except pain and panic. I do remember a lovely military fitness guy who was very calming and medical folk taking off socks and shoes and an ankle already swelling.  I also remember the offer of an ice pack and if the selling went down fairly quickly I could do one of the final waves with the marshals. 
Alas it was not to be.  I know I was panicking.  I have a new job.  I have s paranoia about weight.  And I have previous experience of a broken ankle.  A few minutes in the medical tent and husband got the car and took me to hospital.  Everyone I encountered at The Devil Mud Run were wonderful, and I can’t thank Mr Military fitness enough for being a calming voice.
Thankfully, THANKFULLY after four hours and x rays I have a sprain.  Though it is a very shitty sprain and is bloody agony AT LEAST I don’t have to deal with breakage as well.  Minimal weight gain for five days.  RICE treatment and a physio referral. 

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I think it is safe to say the Stroud Half isn’t happening this year.  But I am already eyeing up future mud runs.  Next time I might make the second or third obstacle.  I might even get a bit muddy!
And this time I am determined to do what exercising I can in a few days.  Nothing on my ankle.  I’m not going to be an idiot.  But something to keep muscles moving!

Well done to the Combined Mudders who all completed it!  Truly amazing womenfolk!

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My Fat Story

Published September 20, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve decided to come off the Duloxetine, as it is starting to really bother me that my weight is increasing, and no amount of sensible eating and exercise seems to help, which then of course causes me to sabotage and gain more!  Gah.  Seems I am not alone, and the medicine isn’t as weight neutral as I hoped.  Source: My Fat Story

#Thinkingslimmer Slimpod 6 week challenge

Published September 10, 2015 by Crystal

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I have had a bit of a gain this summer.  The most significant in over a year.  All my once comfortable clothes are snug to say the least.  And I am not happy with staying at this size.  At the perfect moment Slimpod popped up on my timeline with a 6 week challenge.  I love the slimpod.  I have just been lax in listening since the London Marathon.  It wasn’t miraculous, but my mindset was changed and it certainly helped keep weight off.

The challenge started this week.  Groups of people organised, and a place to chat and motivate and encourage each other.  I’m still following Slimming World, but this is helping me make commitments to fitness and eating and hobbies that I have yet to start!

Soon it will be Christmas, but meh, after Christmas will be the threat of Summer!  It’s not about that.  It’s about getting into a more positive place for myself again!

If you are interested in slimpod, look here

Back in the playground? Does it ever go away?

Published September 1, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve been avoiding blogging for a while.  Summer holidays have been busy, and there’s not really a lot of time to reflect on events and situations.

But then I remembered the title of my blog “Stepping into yourself” and a recent situation needs to be discussed.

I’m mid to late 30’s.  I think it’s safe to say I am a grown up.  Not always, but most of the time.  I raise children to be their own people, to make their own decisions, to find friends who support them in their development, but who, in turn they support and lift up.

A friendship ended a couple of months ago, and after much soul searching and reflection I have come to the conclusion that it ended (abruptly, by them) because I didn’t adhere to their rules of friendship.  I dared to disagree with points of discussion.  I dared to question motives and reasons, not aggressively, but because that is the sort of person I am, and I have many friends who do likewise with me, and I appreciate the candour.  Sometimes it can cut, or call me to question myself, but I feel it makes me a better person.  Sometimes it has been the cause of huge rows, but those friends continue to be friends 20 years on, so something works.

But the final reason, I feel, for the abrupt finishing to this friendship is that I dared to nurture a friendship with someone they loathed, a friend who they had in fact cut off when that person had made a relationship choice they did not approve of.  I had been tentative in this friendship, initially, not wanting to step on toes, and not wanting to upset anyone.  But as time went on I started to feel like I was being controlled over who I should and shouldn’t have in my life, and it is only now I reflect that I see how controlling the friendship was.

At a bbq the other day, while discussing this situation, someone jokingly asked “Is there anyone you haven’t fallen out with?”  Around that table were friends with whom I’d argued, disagreed, lost contact with for several years, but who were all there because they were happy to come and spend time with us.  Big fall outs may have happened, but they have always been resolved, and the friendships have become stronger as a result.

I have had big falling outs.  There are people I know longer talk to.  Don’t we all have those?  But ironically, the three most significant ones have all failed because of a control issue, and the lack of another person being able to control and manipulate my choices.

I’m not a quiet person.  I’m not meek and mild.  I have opinions and ideas and can clash with fireworks.  But as time goes on I know myself more, and these things do not make me a bad person.  And choosing not to be controlled and manipulated does not make me a bad person.

Friendship is a two way street, and I’m happy to say I have friends who have moved on from the childish mentality of “You can’t be in my gang if you are friends with them!” which is essentially where this bullshit situation came from.

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So, onwards into September.  I’ve a mud run at the end of the month, best get my act together and get that fitness up once more!

Personal Responsibility

Published August 2, 2015 by Crystal

Several weeks ago I wrote this blog entry Beauty and Jealousy about comments made about me by someone who claimed to be a friend.  Since that entry, that person has cleared me from their life.

I’m ok with that.  At first I was hurt, because what had I actually done to merit their behaviour?  But a week on I am ok.  People come and go.  Some are keepers, some aren’t.  Some bring the best out in you, others get every hair bristling with their words and activities.

Truth is I often felt put down, often felt criticised, regularly felt they rewrote history to make them look good while everyone around them looked less than.  And it begs the question why we sometimes keep up with these friendships when we feel exhausted and ridiculed and criticised.  And I don’t really know the answer.  I’m not the first, I won’t be the last.  Some people have a magnetic personality, which, when you get closer you realise isn’t so magnetic.  And I’m not perfect.  I can be proud and opinionated, and I won’t always stand down in a discussion.  And I make my own mind up as to who my friends will be, which in this instance was the proverbial nail in my coffin.  I had started to socialise with someone this friend had hated, someone she had dropped in a rather similar way to the way in which I was dropped.  Rather than hide my socialising I shared photos on the evil of Facebook.  Within 3 days I was blocked.

It’s been a slow demise, and it is something that maybe we should both be grateful for.  I did start seeing less often than we have in the past .   I don’t want to be judgemental of friend’s life choices. I don’t want to feel I have to bite my tongue for fear of my opinion angering them.  I don’t want to be an competition for who has the most successful life. And I had started to feel our meetings ended up being more these things than just relaxing and being in good company.

One thing though, that angered me, is the statement that a friendship with me (which was not worth the effort) had caused them to neglect other friendships.  It might be funny if we lived in each other’s pockets, but we did not.  And we had not seen each other in many, many weeks.  Yet the friendship with me had strained their time so much that they had not invested in other people, people who were better friends.  I am sorry, but on this I call ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.  There are some friends I rarely see, but when we meet, the lapse of time is of no consequence, and we pick up where we left off.  There are other friends who I see more often, because they are more local, or have more time, and we can catch up over half an hour.  Not one of my friendships cause me to neglect another (more important) friendship.   We choose who and what are our priorities.  WE CHOOSE.  She CHOSE to neglect other friendships, friendships that she has now decided are more valuable to her.

But the situation did send me into a place of insecurity.  Maybe everyone thinks so little of  me?  Maybe my depression has warped me so much I am forever broken?  Thankfully, the friends who stick with have said otherwise, and one friend down, is not the end of the world.   Facebook can be a wonderful place.  It can bring about a huge slap in the face, but it also gives up the opportunity to catch up with old friends, and touch base with them sometimes.  I’m not going to make empty promises about making more of an effort with friends I haven’t seen in ages.  I know I don’t need to.  Time is precious, yes, but time and distance don’t alter a friendship based on a solid foundation 🙂

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Fat is not sexy…

Published June 24, 2015 by Crystal

A blogger after my own heart!

So Bad Ass

These are the words of Steve Miller, do you remember him? He did a show called Fat Families where he basically bullied people into exercise and eating salad by calling them “massive fatties” at every opportunity in order to motivate them to lose weight.

Well I unfortunately stumbled upon his twitter feed yesterday and unsurprisingly it is filled with fat shaming posts.  What does surprise me is how far he is willing to push his condemnation of overweight people.  His feed is filled with venomous statements labelling people “fat” “lazy” and stating that they aren’t curvy, just fat.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Here’s the charmer himself telling the world about the “reality” and “truth” that fat people are unattractive and aren’t able to be in a loving relationship.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Also fat people don’t have sex.  It’s the truth, it must be!!! This vile Alan Carr wannabe said so!!  All I can think is that he…

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“Little miss cankle” Haters gonna hate! Trolls gonna troll #sizeacceptance #fatacceptance

Published June 16, 2015 by Crystal

My blog yesterday upset one of the fatshamers of twitter.  And their insult was “Shouldn’t it be LittleMissCankle instead of cackle?”

I wasn’t phased, I replied with “doesn’t bother me, I ran the London Marathon this year ;-)”

Their final retort, before I blocked them, because frankly, I don’t need to interact with self loathing trolls, was “Did you actually RUN the marathon, or did you walk? You can’t say you ran it if you walked. That’d be lying.”

The reason I’m sharing this is because it just goes to show that nothing will satisfy a troll.  I didn’t run the whole marathon, it’s true.  But I did run about 19 miles of it!  And really, it doesn’t matter whether I ran 26.2 miles, or walked every single yard.  Whether it is walking or running, the distance is the same, and training for a marathon requires months of dedication and several sessions a week.  I may not be the fittest I could be.  I may not be super slim and a runner of the highest calibre.  I may not be the healthiest person in the world.  But I committed to a major sporting event, and I completed it.  But that wasn’t enough for the troll.  It didn’t fit their image of a fat accepter sitting on the sofa for 14 hours of the day, and sleeping the other 10.  It didn’t support their belief that fat people are bone idle.

Of course, my body my business, it goes without saying, but the fact is, that even when you do make an effort to push yourself, even when you do eat well and move for health, and so on and so forth, someone somewhere is going to hate you and criticise, and accuse you of lying.

Fat shaming isn’t about concern for health and happiness, for anyone.  It’s about hate, and anger, and judgement.  It’s about people being affronted at the idea that people can live happily in their bodies that aren’t the socially acceptable norm.

I admire the Fat Acceptance activists.   The ones who will stand up against these trolls. But for me, I won’t interact.  I will blog, I will share my experiences, but yesterday’s twitfuckery shows there is no point taking part in any argument with people who use the #fatacceptance hashtag to spew hate.