Weight loss

All posts in the Weight loss category

Floppy soup! #slimpodLemon

Published September 22, 2015 by Crystal

A determination has arisen.  Hopping on the scales didn’t or did help.  5lbs gained in a week.  Yes it will be fluid to a large degree, but whatever it is needs to shift.  Vintage clothes aren’t known for their stretchy properties, and sweats and t shirts aren’t my long term style!

So Operation Slimpod 6 Week Challenge steps up a gear.

I started my day with eggs on toast, plenty of fluids, and a feeling of bleurghness.  I am very bloated.  I am very uncomfortable.  A friend and I were briefly chatting about our bodies falling about, and how I am aware all too well of how much better I felt when I was walking or running most days.  That in itself has to happen again with a half marathon coming up, never mind the Mud Run this coming Sunday.  But it also seems my body is crying out for some good food.

With the new determination, and a new delivery from Abel and Cole, I decided to make myself a big stash of Floppy Soup.  You know the sort.  All that veg in the fridge that is limp and tired.  Purple carrots looked sad, the cabbage was crying out to be embraced, and the runner beans desperately wanted to run out of the fridge.  A bit of tamarind paste as stock base, some basil and oregano thrown in, a couple of acorn squashes roasted and added last, and the result is a rather tasty purple soup!

Couldn’t happen on a better day, either, with miserable clouds, cold rain, and a desire to hibernate, soup is the perfect option.

Duloxetine withdrawal won’t have the better of me.  And nor will the sweatpants!

 

Oh, and more inspiration and motivation?  How about the desire to look like Maria Von Trapp on Christmas Day with this beauty?

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Anti depressants and Weight Gain

Published September 21, 2015 by Crystal

I’m taking myself off the Duloxetine.  Weaning off it is apparently a nightmare.  Capsule sizes don’t match the need.  Some people seem to count beads and buy in empty capsules, and spread them out, and so on and so forth.

I have been on 30mg, which I now think is a blessing, but in the last few months my weight has ballooned, and I feel out of control.  So I have decided enough is enough.  Part of my depressive issues are heavily linked with self esteem and body issues, so when the tablet one is on is having a detrimental effect on weight, it can become a negative spiral.

I made a mistake today though, and posted in a group that I was going cold turkey.  My bad.  Everyone is an expert.  A concerned expert, but an expert nonetheless.  So I ended up deleting the post and berating myself for an idiotic move.  “Have you tried other anti depressants?” “Cold turkey is dangerous” “You must talk to your doctor”.  All valid statements.  Don’t get me wrong.  I guess part of the problem with this current medication is that I have very little emotional connection.  I just don’t care.  So instead I get irritated.  Does that make sense?  I know it doesn’t.

Anyway, then comes the wowser statement that pisses me off, especially when the person talking has little to no experience of anti depressants “Medication doesn’t tend to cause weight gain.  Eating more causes weight gain.”

Oh Gods.  Please.  No.  Google any number of anti depressants and you will find stories of weight gain, and depression as a result of that weight gain, and so on.  It may be that people feel happier and eat more.  But judging by the huge number of stories I have read, I am pretty sure it is just not that simple.  I have gained a stone in about 4 months.  It’s not good.  And I am not happy.  I preferred maintaining to this.  And the anti depressants have played a part.  Somehow.

I have no answers.  I just wanted to post and get other people’s experiences, really?

Withdrawal symptoms currently are those brain zaps, and dizziness.  I didn’t initially realise the dizziness was a withdrawal symptom when I had it the other week.  I’d just forgotten to take a tablet, and it turns out the half life of duloxetine is very short.  But then hopefully that means these crummy side effects will be over soon enough.  Back to running, and being more mindful around food and drinking loads and loads of water.  And listening to the Slimpod.

The Fall Out of a Weight Loss Holiday

Published July 16, 2015 by Crystal

Four pounds heavier, full of food and drink that do not nourish.

It was a blow out.  But I think I am beyond the post diet binge.  It isn’t even about them any more.  I’m rebelling, I’m self sabotaging, I’m doing everything that leaves me feeling crap and guilty, but I am finding it hard to analyse why.  The thing is, I now know the benefits of eating more veg, drinking less alcohol, drinking more water.  I know that less bread for me means less bloating.  I feel the physical and mental benefits when I do these things.  But then something snaps, and I want all those foods that make me feel below par.

Is it some sort of punishment for myself?  Do I somehow feel I don’t deserve to have good health and happiness?  And feel that I need to make it harder for myself to achieve those goals?  Or do I self sabotage because I feel I never succeed, and if I don’t let myself succeed, then failure is the inevitable, and I’m used to that, and I won’t be disappointed?  Mad, backwards thinking, but somehow it feels like that is the issue at the moment.

I feel on the edge of depression again, not quite falling in, but dangerously close to that edge, and I am desperate to turn it around before it’s too late.  So today I am making better food choices for me, increasing the water, and avoiding the caffeine.  Tonight is outdoor fitness, and I will treat myself more kindly.

Having food issues is all consuming, and exhausting.  And it’s why I get so mad at the Fattist and Sizest tweeters who are dead set on fat shaming.  I don’t like myself too much right now, and it isn’t encouraging me to lose weight.  It’s led to a week of overeating simply because.  And it’s exhausting for not only me, but my husband. Not because I am hideous and too fat to have sex with, but because I am emotional and needy and lacking in the self confidence.

Time for some kindness once more.

Weight Loss Holiday!

Published July 12, 2015 by Crystal

So y’all probably thinking, every time you come to this blog, What the hell is she thinking today?  Is she for dieting?  Against it?

Well today, I have decided, I need a break.  Maybe a day.  Maybe a couple.  Maybe I just need to step the hell away from the scales and weight loss talk, and all that jazz.

I got a new dress on Thursday.  It is beautiful.  But it is too small.  It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t think about all the measurements when I ordered it, but I am pretty sure this was the trigger into my weekend of despair and stress and anxiety.

I have maintained my current size for over a year now.  I suppose the upside is that I no longer fall into binges so monumental that I gain and gain, but it doesn’t stop me wishing for the next size down.  It’s a cosmetic issue.  It’s not really to do with health, no matter what folk like Steve Miller will tell you.  I probably move more than a great deal of folk in my situation, and I feel it when I don’t.  But I do wish for a smaller size.

Something however, is still limiting my beliefs, and leaving me feeling incapable, and so, for a couple of days, I need a break from the monotony of failure at a food plan.  Originally I had decided I want a stone off before school kicks back in in September, but now I am thinking, if I surf in my current size, will the world really end?

I’m not giving up on myself, I’m just giving myself a break from feelings of failure and disappointment, and a chance to breathe

“#fatacceptance is ruining the world!” bla bla bla. But what about life before it?

Published June 15, 2015 by Crystal

It dawned on me earlier, as I munched on my luscious salad, and perused twitter to see what bile Mr Miller was spewing today.  It dawned on me how fat acceptance is seen as this big evil, and how “normalising obesity is crippling our NHS” is the biggest pile of poop, because it has only just got legs in the last decade, and this country has been getting bigger for a lot longer than that!

I have been on a diet of some sort for a substantial amount of time each year for about 30 years.  And I am in my mid 30’s.  In primary school I was teased and bullied for my size, in PE lessons aged 6 I specifically remember how different I was to other kids because I couldn’t feel my ribs.  In secondary school I was also teased and bullied for my size, and then as a youth worker I had snide comments from shitty little brats who found it hilarious to comment.  The 80s and 90s were not kind to girls of a larger stature. At Secondary School our Home Economics lady was big.  And the boys in the class felt no shame in loudly mocking and ridiculing, and making her aware of how they felt about her appearance.  Fat acceptance was not a thing.  Thin was acceptable.  Fat was not.   It’s safe to say I grew up with enough self loathing to see me through the rest of my days.  And as a result of believing that thin was good and fat was very, very, very bad, I spent many days, months, years, on ryvitas and cottage cheese, or slimma soups, or dust.  I followed Rosemary Conley’s recipes to the letter, I exercised each evening to Cher.  I tried my damnedest to fit in to the acceptable norm, knowing that big was not acceptable.

And I doubt I’m alone.   In fact I would go so far as to wager that many of the fat acceptance campaigners will have grown up with similar experiences of torment and ridicule, and will have seen others dealing with the same.  I would wager that fat acceptance has come about as a reaction to years and years of fat shaming.  So to be blaming the “obesity crisis/epidemic” (really, that deserves a whole other blog post of its own) on a movement that has really only gained ground in the last few years seems somewhat ridiculous, no?

Think about that for a moment.  These people who are fighting for acceptance have endured years and years of ridicule, and have remained fat.  Often in spite of diet after diet.  So while Mr Miller sits there on his throne of judgement, he is merely continuing a behaviour which is what many of us endured in childhood and teendom.  And fat acceptance CANNOT be blamed for a situation that was taking place for decades before it even existed.

So what is the answer?  Well, for me, it is about kindness and care.  I want to look after my body.  I want to feel healthy.  I want to protect myself from disease if I can, and be around for my kids.  Sometimes I fall back into old coping mechanisms.  Sometimes eating gives me a way of not dealing with feelings I don’t want to face.  But day by day the self acceptance and self care gets easier, and the critical voices of old get quieter and quieter.  It may not be the whoopy doop super fast weight loss that Miller demands of fatties everywhere, but it is maintainable and life changing.

My salad, by the way, was yummy!

My salad, by the way, was yummy!

#juneathon Day 4, Hit and Run drivers, and a lucky escape.

Published June 4, 2015 by Crystal

Today’s exercise was a 3.7 mile round trip to A & E with my eldest.  He was hit by a speeding driver yesterday afternoon, but thankfully, and I can only assume someone was looking over him, he was just hit in the arm.  If he had been a little quicker, or if the car had been a little slower the outcome could have been very very different.  The trip to A & E was just to check that the damage was nothing more than the graze and swelling, which it fortunately is.  The driver didn’t even stop to make sure my son was ok.  But then if he was going as fast as it looks, then he clearly wasn’t the type to be concerned and caring about hitting anyone.

We have reported it, but unfortunately it happened so quickly, the details are sketchy.

Sadly last night I heard about an online friend who has passed away quite suddenly.  I have known her for as long as I have had my eldest, and she was such a warm supportive person.  While my family is so grateful that our boy is ok, her family will be mourning the loss of a lovely woman who has been there for so many over the years.  Her absence will be tangible.

So today is a quiet day. Full of gratitude for nothing worse having happened to our gorgeous boy, and for the friendship of a lovely woman.

Foodwise, well, last night I ended up having wine.  So that’s dry June out the window.  But I am sticking with the delicious vegan foods, and have tried Freekeh which is a rather lovely alternative to rice.  Lots of texture, and works both hot and cold.  I have also treated myself to some exotic mushrooms.  Yes, I know that might sound like the lamest thing you could read today, but good ingredients make good meals!

Oh, and I also gave in to the scales.  But then the result was favourable, so let’s talk no more about it, and I will attempt to resist the nagging voices to keep jumping on once more.

My son is enjoying trying vegan more, though he did need some comfort in the form of fried chicken, and after yesterday’s event, who am I to argue?

The sun is shining.  The garden is calling for some attention.  I am off.

#selfconfidence and #anxiety affect weight? Haven’t we, the cardigan wearing, hairy feminists #sizeacceptance trolls been saying that ALL along, @steve___miller?

Published May 25, 2015 by Crystal

Block out the negative messages.  Lift yourself with the positive ones.  Never stop believing your body is a wonderful thing

I sincerely hope Steve Miller is turning a corner, and realising all his fat shaming is ineffectual when it serves to knock a person’s confidence.

I sincerely hope this is the start of a step back from fat shaming and size shaming, and a move toward working to build esteem and confidence and see where that takes people.

As someone coming out of the other side of a rather long period of depression, thanks in part to running, and starting duloxetine, and good support from friends and family, I can say that my self confidence is below what it used to be.  And it is something that I am addressing at the moment.  When confidence is low, and anxiety is high, the old comfort mechanisms pull strongly to help me make it through the day.  And it’s not a bad thing.  But it’s not a great thing either.  Drinking or eating too much are temporary plasters that don’t leave me feeling great in the long run.

As self confidence increases, and anxiety lessens, and overall mood improves, the need to use food and drink to calm and soothe diminishes.

I know I am turning a corner because self care is getting better, and my drive to look after myself in better ways are getting stronger.  And Geneen Roth and her book Women Food and God, is giving wise words and ideas in the search for self care. You can read an excerpt here.

It is a shame Steve Miller has spent so long shaming already, when hypnotherapy can be used to bring about very positive changes.  It is a shame he prefers to use hate motivation rather than kindness and care motivation.  I sincerely hope he is actually turning a corner here.

I understand he is out to make a living, but he could do it without bullying and hate speech.