I’ve been avoiding blogging for a while. Summer holidays have been busy, and there’s not really a lot of time to reflect on events and situations.
But then I remembered the title of my blog “Stepping into yourself” and a recent situation needs to be discussed.
I’m mid to late 30’s. I think it’s safe to say I am a grown up. Not always, but most of the time. I raise children to be their own people, to make their own decisions, to find friends who support them in their development, but who, in turn they support and lift up.
A friendship ended a couple of months ago, and after much soul searching and reflection I have come to the conclusion that it ended (abruptly, by them) because I didn’t adhere to their rules of friendship. I dared to disagree with points of discussion. I dared to question motives and reasons, not aggressively, but because that is the sort of person I am, and I have many friends who do likewise with me, and I appreciate the candour. Sometimes it can cut, or call me to question myself, but I feel it makes me a better person. Sometimes it has been the cause of huge rows, but those friends continue to be friends 20 years on, so something works.
But the final reason, I feel, for the abrupt finishing to this friendship is that I dared to nurture a friendship with someone they loathed, a friend who they had in fact cut off when that person had made a relationship choice they did not approve of. I had been tentative in this friendship, initially, not wanting to step on toes, and not wanting to upset anyone. But as time went on I started to feel like I was being controlled over who I should and shouldn’t have in my life, and it is only now I reflect that I see how controlling the friendship was.
At a bbq the other day, while discussing this situation, someone jokingly asked “Is there anyone you haven’t fallen out with?” Around that table were friends with whom I’d argued, disagreed, lost contact with for several years, but who were all there because they were happy to come and spend time with us. Big fall outs may have happened, but they have always been resolved, and the friendships have become stronger as a result.
I have had big falling outs. There are people I know longer talk to. Don’t we all have those? But ironically, the three most significant ones have all failed because of a control issue, and the lack of another person being able to control and manipulate my choices.
I’m not a quiet person. I’m not meek and mild. I have opinions and ideas and can clash with fireworks. But as time goes on I know myself more, and these things do not make me a bad person. And choosing not to be controlled and manipulated does not make me a bad person.
Friendship is a two way street, and I’m happy to say I have friends who have moved on from the childish mentality of “You can’t be in my gang if you are friends with them!” which is essentially where this bullshit situation came from.
So, onwards into September. I’ve a mud run at the end of the month, best get my act together and get that fitness up once more!