#Thinkingslimmer Slimpod 6 week challenge

Published September 10, 2015 by Crystal

slimpod

I have had a bit of a gain this summer.  The most significant in over a year.  All my once comfortable clothes are snug to say the least.  And I am not happy with staying at this size.  At the perfect moment Slimpod popped up on my timeline with a 6 week challenge.  I love the slimpod.  I have just been lax in listening since the London Marathon.  It wasn’t miraculous, but my mindset was changed and it certainly helped keep weight off.

The challenge started this week.  Groups of people organised, and a place to chat and motivate and encourage each other.  I’m still following Slimming World, but this is helping me make commitments to fitness and eating and hobbies that I have yet to start!

Soon it will be Christmas, but meh, after Christmas will be the threat of Summer!  It’s not about that.  It’s about getting into a more positive place for myself again!

If you are interested in slimpod, look here

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Back in the playground? Does it ever go away?

Published September 1, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve been avoiding blogging for a while.  Summer holidays have been busy, and there’s not really a lot of time to reflect on events and situations.

But then I remembered the title of my blog “Stepping into yourself” and a recent situation needs to be discussed.

I’m mid to late 30’s.  I think it’s safe to say I am a grown up.  Not always, but most of the time.  I raise children to be their own people, to make their own decisions, to find friends who support them in their development, but who, in turn they support and lift up.

A friendship ended a couple of months ago, and after much soul searching and reflection I have come to the conclusion that it ended (abruptly, by them) because I didn’t adhere to their rules of friendship.  I dared to disagree with points of discussion.  I dared to question motives and reasons, not aggressively, but because that is the sort of person I am, and I have many friends who do likewise with me, and I appreciate the candour.  Sometimes it can cut, or call me to question myself, but I feel it makes me a better person.  Sometimes it has been the cause of huge rows, but those friends continue to be friends 20 years on, so something works.

But the final reason, I feel, for the abrupt finishing to this friendship is that I dared to nurture a friendship with someone they loathed, a friend who they had in fact cut off when that person had made a relationship choice they did not approve of.  I had been tentative in this friendship, initially, not wanting to step on toes, and not wanting to upset anyone.  But as time went on I started to feel like I was being controlled over who I should and shouldn’t have in my life, and it is only now I reflect that I see how controlling the friendship was.

At a bbq the other day, while discussing this situation, someone jokingly asked “Is there anyone you haven’t fallen out with?”  Around that table were friends with whom I’d argued, disagreed, lost contact with for several years, but who were all there because they were happy to come and spend time with us.  Big fall outs may have happened, but they have always been resolved, and the friendships have become stronger as a result.

I have had big falling outs.  There are people I know longer talk to.  Don’t we all have those?  But ironically, the three most significant ones have all failed because of a control issue, and the lack of another person being able to control and manipulate my choices.

I’m not a quiet person.  I’m not meek and mild.  I have opinions and ideas and can clash with fireworks.  But as time goes on I know myself more, and these things do not make me a bad person.  And choosing not to be controlled and manipulated does not make me a bad person.

Friendship is a two way street, and I’m happy to say I have friends who have moved on from the childish mentality of “You can’t be in my gang if you are friends with them!” which is essentially where this bullshit situation came from.

tequila

So, onwards into September.  I’ve a mud run at the end of the month, best get my act together and get that fitness up once more!

Personal Responsibility

Published August 2, 2015 by Crystal

Several weeks ago I wrote this blog entry Beauty and Jealousy about comments made about me by someone who claimed to be a friend.  Since that entry, that person has cleared me from their life.

I’m ok with that.  At first I was hurt, because what had I actually done to merit their behaviour?  But a week on I am ok.  People come and go.  Some are keepers, some aren’t.  Some bring the best out in you, others get every hair bristling with their words and activities.

Truth is I often felt put down, often felt criticised, regularly felt they rewrote history to make them look good while everyone around them looked less than.  And it begs the question why we sometimes keep up with these friendships when we feel exhausted and ridiculed and criticised.  And I don’t really know the answer.  I’m not the first, I won’t be the last.  Some people have a magnetic personality, which, when you get closer you realise isn’t so magnetic.  And I’m not perfect.  I can be proud and opinionated, and I won’t always stand down in a discussion.  And I make my own mind up as to who my friends will be, which in this instance was the proverbial nail in my coffin.  I had started to socialise with someone this friend had hated, someone she had dropped in a rather similar way to the way in which I was dropped.  Rather than hide my socialising I shared photos on the evil of Facebook.  Within 3 days I was blocked.

It’s been a slow demise, and it is something that maybe we should both be grateful for.  I did start seeing less often than we have in the past .   I don’t want to be judgemental of friend’s life choices. I don’t want to feel I have to bite my tongue for fear of my opinion angering them.  I don’t want to be an competition for who has the most successful life. And I had started to feel our meetings ended up being more these things than just relaxing and being in good company.

One thing though, that angered me, is the statement that a friendship with me (which was not worth the effort) had caused them to neglect other friendships.  It might be funny if we lived in each other’s pockets, but we did not.  And we had not seen each other in many, many weeks.  Yet the friendship with me had strained their time so much that they had not invested in other people, people who were better friends.  I am sorry, but on this I call ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.  There are some friends I rarely see, but when we meet, the lapse of time is of no consequence, and we pick up where we left off.  There are other friends who I see more often, because they are more local, or have more time, and we can catch up over half an hour.  Not one of my friendships cause me to neglect another (more important) friendship.   We choose who and what are our priorities.  WE CHOOSE.  She CHOSE to neglect other friendships, friendships that she has now decided are more valuable to her.

But the situation did send me into a place of insecurity.  Maybe everyone thinks so little of  me?  Maybe my depression has warped me so much I am forever broken?  Thankfully, the friends who stick with have said otherwise, and one friend down, is not the end of the world.   Facebook can be a wonderful place.  It can bring about a huge slap in the face, but it also gives up the opportunity to catch up with old friends, and touch base with them sometimes.  I’m not going to make empty promises about making more of an effort with friends I haven’t seen in ages.  I know I don’t need to.  Time is precious, yes, but time and distance don’t alter a friendship based on a solid foundation 🙂

our-friendship-is-built-on-alcohol-inappropriate-conversation-sarcasm-and-shenanigans-b0926

The Fall Out of a Weight Loss Holiday

Published July 16, 2015 by Crystal

Four pounds heavier, full of food and drink that do not nourish.

It was a blow out.  But I think I am beyond the post diet binge.  It isn’t even about them any more.  I’m rebelling, I’m self sabotaging, I’m doing everything that leaves me feeling crap and guilty, but I am finding it hard to analyse why.  The thing is, I now know the benefits of eating more veg, drinking less alcohol, drinking more water.  I know that less bread for me means less bloating.  I feel the physical and mental benefits when I do these things.  But then something snaps, and I want all those foods that make me feel below par.

Is it some sort of punishment for myself?  Do I somehow feel I don’t deserve to have good health and happiness?  And feel that I need to make it harder for myself to achieve those goals?  Or do I self sabotage because I feel I never succeed, and if I don’t let myself succeed, then failure is the inevitable, and I’m used to that, and I won’t be disappointed?  Mad, backwards thinking, but somehow it feels like that is the issue at the moment.

I feel on the edge of depression again, not quite falling in, but dangerously close to that edge, and I am desperate to turn it around before it’s too late.  So today I am making better food choices for me, increasing the water, and avoiding the caffeine.  Tonight is outdoor fitness, and I will treat myself more kindly.

Having food issues is all consuming, and exhausting.  And it’s why I get so mad at the Fattist and Sizest tweeters who are dead set on fat shaming.  I don’t like myself too much right now, and it isn’t encouraging me to lose weight.  It’s led to a week of overeating simply because.  And it’s exhausting for not only me, but my husband. Not because I am hideous and too fat to have sex with, but because I am emotional and needy and lacking in the self confidence.

Time for some kindness once more.

Weight Loss Holiday!

Published July 12, 2015 by Crystal

So y’all probably thinking, every time you come to this blog, What the hell is she thinking today?  Is she for dieting?  Against it?

Well today, I have decided, I need a break.  Maybe a day.  Maybe a couple.  Maybe I just need to step the hell away from the scales and weight loss talk, and all that jazz.

I got a new dress on Thursday.  It is beautiful.  But it is too small.  It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t think about all the measurements when I ordered it, but I am pretty sure this was the trigger into my weekend of despair and stress and anxiety.

I have maintained my current size for over a year now.  I suppose the upside is that I no longer fall into binges so monumental that I gain and gain, but it doesn’t stop me wishing for the next size down.  It’s a cosmetic issue.  It’s not really to do with health, no matter what folk like Steve Miller will tell you.  I probably move more than a great deal of folk in my situation, and I feel it when I don’t.  But I do wish for a smaller size.

Something however, is still limiting my beliefs, and leaving me feeling incapable, and so, for a couple of days, I need a break from the monotony of failure at a food plan.  Originally I had decided I want a stone off before school kicks back in in September, but now I am thinking, if I surf in my current size, will the world really end?

I’m not giving up on myself, I’m just giving myself a break from feelings of failure and disappointment, and a chance to breathe

Fat is not sexy…

Published June 24, 2015 by Crystal

A blogger after my own heart!

So Bad Ass

These are the words of Steve Miller, do you remember him? He did a show called Fat Families where he basically bullied people into exercise and eating salad by calling them “massive fatties” at every opportunity in order to motivate them to lose weight.

Well I unfortunately stumbled upon his twitter feed yesterday and unsurprisingly it is filled with fat shaming posts.  What does surprise me is how far he is willing to push his condemnation of overweight people.  His feed is filled with venomous statements labelling people “fat” “lazy” and stating that they aren’t curvy, just fat.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Here’s the charmer himself telling the world about the “reality” and “truth” that fat people are unattractive and aren’t able to be in a loving relationship.

steve miller twitter fat shaming

Also fat people don’t have sex.  It’s the truth, it must be!!! This vile Alan Carr wannabe said so!!  All I can think is that he…

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Beauty and jealousy.

Published June 23, 2015 by Crystal

I’ve never seen myself as beautiful.  I love dressing up.  I love wearing make up.  But I don’t see myself as beautiful.  I have a prominent nose.  And I look a lot like my dad with less feminine features than the classic beauty.  It is something that I have grown up with and not something that has ever really bothered me.  Yes, as a child there we many things I wanted to change about myself, but as I got older the pursuit of classic beauty wasn’t something I chased.  For me, beauty is more than simply looks.  It is in laughter.  It is in joy.  It is in noticing the crooked lines of a tree.  It is in appreciating a beautiful piece of art.  It is in the connection with another human being.  And in so much more.
So I was highly amused and then deeply hurt that someone I considered a friend had once said of me that I was jealous of them because they were beautiful.  It has called into question the depth of that relationship.
Firstly, the whole “they are jealous of me because of x, y and z” is a phrase and argument that Pisses me off.  It saves the accuser from having to look at their own life, their own behaviour.  But it also shakes the foundations of the accused. I have never been jealous of another for their looks.  I have never been jealous in any seriousness at material goods either.  Why should I?  I am blessed in my life with a wonderful family, fantastic pets, a lovely home, and a camper van!  My lack of beauty hasn’t stopped me receiving those things.
But it calls into question the relationship because if that is what someone who claims to be a friend genuinely thinks then what are their motives for having me as a friend?  To make them look better? To be a foil against which they shine?  Their plain friend against which they sparkle?  But also, if that is what they feel, that I am capable of such a material shallowness, do they really know me at all? 
The Shero journey has encouraged me to step into my life.  To own every bit.  To not settle for people who do not support me and me them.  And it is times like this when I am reminded of the Reason Season Lifetime poem.  While it saddens me that someone would think this way of me it also encourages me to stand tall and be myself without fear of criticism and judgement.  Over time I think we learn who the friends are that will be with us through it all.  And who will speak honestly and openly but also know us enough not to make such a hurtful and shallow judgement.  Beauty is more than skin deep, and jealousy is an exhausting emotion. And I am moving towards a life with friends who are deeper and truer than that.